SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
MISSION, TX—Hailing it as a triumph of the democratic process, the city of Mission proudly announced this week that its six-candidate mayoral election has produced a clear, decisive, and uncontested winner: another election.
“Elections are about giving voters a choice, and this November, Mission voters chose, above all other things, to keep voting,” said a city elections spokesperson, confirming that with all precincts reporting, the runoff had clinched a majority that no human being on the ballot could. “This is the system working exactly as intended. First you have the election, and then the election has a baby.”
According to unofficial results, Rick Salinas earned 7,477 votes, roughly 35 percent, a commanding lead that qualifies him for the prestigious honor of not winning one more time in December. Incumbent Norie Gonzalez Garza followed with 5,233 votes, about 24 percent, cementing her legacy as the mayor who came in second at being mayor.
“A lot of people said one election was enough,” Salinas told supporters at a victory rally for the runner-up election. “But I believe this city deserves better. This city deserves two.”
The Gonzalez Garza campaign struck a defiant tone, noting that after facing five opponents, including an entirely separate Garza, she had accomplished what only one of the two Garzas could. “Mission voters were confronted with two Garzas on a single ballot, and they made the hard call,” a campaign aide said. “They eliminated precisely one of them.”
The remaining four candidates—Ruben Plata, Armando “Doc” Ocaña, Natalie “Nati” Garza, and Juan Gines—will receive the traditional consolation prize of being folded gently back into the community and never being mentioned again.
Residents greeted the news with pride. “I voted for change, or possibly the guy, and now I get several more weeks to figure out which one I meant,” said one Mission voter, adding that the six-way race had been confusing but the two-way race felt “like a bonus level.” “Other cities elect a mayor. Mission elected momentum.”
City officials confirmed the runoff is already the most accomplished elected official in Mission history, having done what none of the six candidates could: unite 100 percent of the vote behind a single ballot item.
At press time, the runoff had opened its own campaign office downtown and was widely expected to advance to a third election in the spring.
