SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
EDINBURG — Speaking after his Vaqueros absorbed a 45-16 loss at the Alamodome in the program’s first-ever game against an FBS opponent, UTRGV head coach Travis Bush asked Rio Grande Valley fans Sunday to view the beating less as a football score and more as a glossy time-lapse video of the Valley slowly transforming into UTSA over the next 15 years.
“If you watch the film at 64-times speed, you can actually see us becoming the Roadrunners in real time,” Bush said, cueing up a highlight reel that was mostly UTSA scoring 24 unanswered points. “There’s a frame in there where we’re 251-251 in yards at the half. Freeze on that frame. Frame it. Put it in your sala next to the Virgen.”
Bush, who conceded that “a piece of my heart will always be a Roadrunner, which tonight was technically most of the pieces,” insisted the opening drive — an 11-play, 58-yard march that stalled at the 18 and ended in a missed 34-yard field goal — was the official ribbon-cutting of The Process.
‘The Field Goal Was the Groundbreaking Ceremony’
“People see a miss,” Bush said. “I see a shovel hitting dirt on a 15-year construction project that already has an existing building at the end of it: UTSA. We’re not building a program from scratch. We’re building a program that’s already been built, by them, and we just have to catch up to it. It’s like Waze. The destination already exists.”
Athletic department officials announced the school will begin selling commemorative DVDs of the game titled “Becoming UTSA: Volume 1 of Maybe 45,” with each volume projected to end 29 points worse than the finished product. Season-ticket holders who watch all 15 years without blinking will receive a certificate confirming they witnessed a time-lapse.
The Eight-Second Touchdown: Souvenir Mandatory
Officials confirmed the late touchdown ‚rushing‟ with eight seconds left, set up by a 54-yard run, was specifically scheduled so the sold-out Valley bus caravan would have “one story for the ride home to Edinburg besides the scoreboard.”
“Every time-lapse needs a flower blooming at the end,” said one staffer, fast-walking to catch the bus. “That touchdown was the flower. Please do not watch what bloomed around it.”
UTSA declined comment, reportedly because its program was busy being the ending of the video.
