SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
McALLEN — Officials from McAllen and Saltillo gathered Thursday to commemorate two centuries of partnership between the sister cities, an anniversary they marked the only way either city knows how: by signing a Memorandum of Understanding that no living human being will ever read past page one.
The ceremony, held beneath a banner reading “200 Years of Collaboration, Progress, and Laminated Binders,” featured speeches about economic growth, trade, and quality of life — the same three phrases that appear in every cross-border agreement signed since the invention of the folding table.
“This MOU is different,” said McAllen’s fictional Deputy Director of Ceremonial Pens, Roberto Fonseca-Trujillo, gesturing at a 47-page document whose only legible section was the catering invoice. “Previous MOUs expressed a shared commitment. This one expresses a shared, continued commitment. That’s an adverb. That’s growth.”
Historians confirmed the two cities have signed roughly 400 agreements over 200 years, or approximately two per year, a pace experts call “suspiciously similar to the number of ribbon-cuttings per new plaque.” Archaeologists excavating a filing cabinet behind City Hall recently uncovered MOUs from 1987 pledging to “explore solutions” to Bicentennial Boulevard traffic, a document officials praised Thursday as “still very explorable.”
Agreement Contains No Projects, Funding, or Verbs in Future Tense
The new MOU commits both cities to “ongoing dialogue regarding mutual prosperity,” language attorneys described as legally equivalent to two friends saying “we should totally get coffee sometime” for 200 consecutive years.
“We would have included a specific project, but then we’d have to do it,” explained Saltillo’s fictional delegation lead, Lic. Aurelio Peña. “An MOU with an actual water plan in it is just a plan. An MOU with the phrase ‘quality of life’ in it is a friendship.”
The signing concluded with a photo op in which eleven officials gripped a single pen simultaneously, a Valley tradition dating back to the 1970s, when a mayor’s handshake was ruled insufficiently photogenic.
The pen will be displayed in the McAllen Chamber of Commerce lobby, next to the pen from the 2012 MOU, the 1998 MOU, and a plaque commemorating the plaques.
Next Bicentennial Slated for 2225, Organizers Already Nervous
City staff confirmed the 200-year celebration’s biggest logistical challenge was finding a table long enough for 22 officials to lean forward at once. The second biggest challenge was remembering what the previous 399 agreements said, which nobody solved.
“Honestly, we mostly signed based on vibes,” said one fictional aide, thumbing through a binder labeled “MOUs (Unread).” “The vibes are strong. The trade is strong. The traffic on 10th Street remains a mystery beyond mortal law.”
At press time, both cities had announced plans to commemorate the MOU signing with a new MOU about commemorating MOU signings.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Does this MOU include funding?
A: It includes the word “funding,” which officials note is the first step toward a document that might one day include funding.
Q: What happens to the MOU now?
A: It will be framed, photographed, scanned, filed, and gently forgotten, in that order, joining its 399 siblings in what archivists call “the drawer of friendship.”
