SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — City commissioners voted unanimously Wednesday to table a proposed agreement allowing a data center to drain stormwater into a city-owned canal, announcing that no water may enter Harlingen until every resident has personally explained rain to the commission, one at a time, in order of sign-up.
The new process, dubbed the Municipal Precipitation Verification Program, requires residents to appear at Wednesday commission meetings, approach the podium, and describe what rain is, where they believe it comes from, and how it makes them feel about the canal. Roughly 14,000 residents have already signed up, pushing projected approval of the drainage agreement to sometime after the next geological epoch.
“We heard the public loud and clear,” said Mayor Pro Tem Delfina Carrizales, who is fictional. “The people of Harlingen do not want water moving through this city without their consent. Not one drop, not one puddle, not one emotionally ambiguous drizzle. From now on, all precipitation entering municipal canals must first survive a public hearing, a quorum, and at least four callbacks about Loops.”
FluidStack, which is proposing the data center outside city limits, had requested permission to route stormwater into the canal. Under the tabled agreement’s new terms, the company must now wait while Harlingen completes its open house, its hearing on the open house, and a hearing on whether the canal itself consents to being wet.
Residents Demand Granular Approval Of Each Individual Drop
At Wednesday’s meeting, attendees lined up three-deep to explain rain. One man spoke for 40 minutes about a 2019 storm near Sam Houston Parkway, concluding, “That’s what water does. You seeing this? You seeing what it does?” Commissioners nodded solemnly and tabled him until next month.
“I don’t trust water that comes from a building,” said resident Gilberto Fuentes, also invented. “Rain is supposed to come from the sky, like God and H-E-B intended. This is corporation water. Who knows where it’s been — probably touching servers.”
Officials confirmed the city will adopt a new policy requiring public hearings for all large industrial projects, plus a supplementary rain tribunal where a rotating panel of abuelas evaluates each storm cloud’s character before it crosses city limits.
Open House Scheduled For Whenever The Line Stops Moving
The city’s public open house has been booked at the Harlingen Municipal Auditorium for six consecutive Saturdays, with a seventh held in reserve in case anyone still has feelings about retention ponds. Refreshments will be served, but water will not, pending approval.
“We’re not against the data center,” Carrizales clarified. “We’re simply committed to the principle that no stormwater enters a Harlingen canal until the last resident has finished explaining what a cloud is. That could be Thursday. That could be 2041. Democracy is patient.”
At press time, commissioners had tabled a motion to table the tabling, after three residents showed up to explain what tabling is.
