SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
BROWNSVILLE — The Brownsville Public Utilities Board announced Monday it is happy to wipe that $1,200 bill for the 57,000 gallons of water that filled an underground swimming pool nobody has ever seen, just as soon as the customer repairs the leak that no plumber, no meter technician, and no BPUB inspector has been able to locate.
Under the utility’s official Phantom Leak Adjustment Policy, water that may not exist is fully billable, but only forgivable upon presentation of a repaired leak, a repaired-leak receipt, and ideally the leak itself, lightly sedated, in a Tupperware.
“We tested the meter and the meter is fine. Her plumber wrote a letter saying there’s no leak. Our guy also found no leak,” said BPUB spokesperson Gerald Fuentes, gesturing at a wall of framed certificates reading NO LEAK FOUND. “So the process is simple: find the leak, fix the leak, bring us the leak. The fact that there is no leak is, frankly, a customer problem.”
Underground Pool Reportedly Beautiful, Invisible
BPUB’s billing department confirmed the water went somewhere between July 27 and August 18, most likely into a luxury subterranean pool forming beneath a rental property on the East Side, complete with a swim-up bar and a lazy river that also does not exist.
“That’s a lot of water. It has to be going somewhere. Have you checked under the house? Under Brownsville? Have you checked the resaca?” Fuentes said. “We can’t just write off 57,000 gallons. That water was real when we billed it. It only becomes imaginary when you ask for an adjustment.”
BPUB did flag the spike on Aug. 14, a service the utility describes as a courtesy heads-up that your money is leaving. Customers who receive the alert are encouraged to enjoy it.
Payment Plans Available for Pool You Cannot Swim In
For residents unable to locate their ghost leak, BPUB offers a 12-month payment plan on the invisible pool, plus optional cabana fees.
“We’re not monsters,” Fuentes said. “We’ll spread out the payments on the pool you can’t see, can’t swim in, and can’t prove didn’t fill. That’s the Brownsville way.”
At press time, BPUB had reportedly dispatched a diver to search for the underground pool and bill it directly, but the diver found no leak either and was issued a $1,200 bill for the water in his wetsuit.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: My plumber says there’s no leak. Does that count?
A: No. A written statement that no leak exists is not proof a leak was repaired. Please repair the non-leak and resubmit.
Q: Can I visit my underground pool?
A: BPUB cannot locate the pool for liability reasons, but your monthly statement will keep you updated on its depth.
