SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
WESLACO — After years of studying why the Interstate 2 frontage roads turn into lakes every time it rains hard, TxDOT proudly announced Tuesday it has solved the problem: a gleaming new water-level gauge that will let Weslaco residents watch, in real time, exactly how deep the Exit 170 lake is.
“We heard the Mid-Valley loud and clear,” said TxDOT spokesperson Darryl Cantu at a ribbon-cutting held, for thematic reasons, in waist-deep water. “People kept asking, ‘Is the frontage road flooded?’ And honestly, before today, there was no way to know. Now there’s a gauge. It goes up to 14 feet. That should cover it. Probably.”
The agency reiterated its long-standing position that it is in the road business, not the drainage business, clarifying that the road portion of the business ends at the point where the road becomes a lake, at which time it becomes the lake’s business.
Gauge Joins Prestigious Roster of Valley Flood Innovations
The gauge will sit alongside the retention and detention ponds already built by Hidalgo County, local cities, and at least three school districts that apparently have more drainage capacity than the state of Texas. “Everybody’s got skin in the game,” said one county engineer, gesturing at the water. “TxDOT has a gauge in the lake.”
Officials stressed the gauge serves a critical safety function on the Valley’s main hurricane evacuation corridor: when a storm comes, motorists trapped on the main lanes will be able to check an app showing them precisely how un-evacuable both sides of them are, down to the decimal.
“Before, you’d hit the exit and just hope,” said resident Ramiro Delgado, paddling to Whataburger. “Now you hit the exit, and a light turns red. That’s called progress.”
Redesign ‘Somewhere Between Soon and Heat Death of the Universe’
TxDOT confirmed a frontage-road redesign is “in active conceptual discussion,” a phase officials described as coming right after the studies, the studies of the studies, and a third study to determine which study got wet. No start date was announced, though a timeline chart displayed at the event showed a shovel breaking ground in the year 20-something, with the something smudged by floodwater.
The agency did hint at a Phase Two upgrade: a second gauge, on the other side of the highway, so drivers can confirm both frontage roads are underwater and not just one.
