SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — Harlingen WaterWorks System officials confirmed Tuesday that the agency’s fastest-growing offering is not reclaimed water, sewer service, or even the 4.7 million gallons of treated effluent it plans to pipe daily toward a 1,780-acre data-center campus near Valley International Airport. It is secrecy — and it comes with a 50-year service agreement.
“Ratepayers keep asking what we provide,” said invented WaterWorks spokesperson Darla Peña. “Water in, water out, and now, most importantly, water deals nobody hears about. That third one is our premium tier.”
The announcement follows revelations that a developer once asked whether a reclaimed-water contract could be kept “out of the public arena” and hinted it might hire a PR firm if the paperwork saw daylight. WaterWorks, sources said, considered this less a red flag and more a business plan.
Board Moves All Future Votes to a Locked Buick
To streamline the process, the board has voted — in closed session, by a tally that was also kept in closed session — to relocate future decisions about the Valley’s water into a 1997 Buick LeSabre parked behind the WaterWorks building on Mondays at 5 p.m., a time officials confirmed was selected because “nobody’s ever at a 5 p.m. Monday meeting, that’s just science.”
“We looked at the calendar and realized open government was clogging the pipes,” said invented board member Gerald Tijerina. “This way, we can discuss who gets the Arroyo Colorado’s effluent for the next half-century without the public slowing things down with their ‘input’ and ‘records requests.'”
Officials stressed the 20-year contract, with two automatic 15-year extensions, could have been discussed publicly, but the door was right there, and it closes so smoothly.
Drinking-Water Backup Clause Mentioned From Parking Lot, Through Glass
Under questioning, WaterWorks confirmed the contract includes a provision supplying potable water — at roughly triple the reclaimed rate of 75 cents per 1,000 gallons — if the sewer supply runs short. Reporters were told this detail from the parking lot, through a partially cracked window, by an official mouthing the words slowly.
“We’re transparent,” Peña said. “Everything is available to the public. You just have to know it exists, ask in writing, find the right form, and wait. It’s the same system as our leak hotline.”
At press time, WaterWorks had unveiled a new billing line item for Harlingen residents: a $3.75 monthly “Discretionary Silence Fee.”
