SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
PALMHURST — Flanked by ceremonial shovels and a laminated rendering of a very small box, Palmhurst leaders announced Thursday the arrival of a 510-square-foot prefabricated coffee shop at 115 W. Mile 3 Road, a $1.25 million investment they are calling the biggest economic development win in city history that no resident will ever be permitted to stand inside.
Per the Texas Department of Licensing and Regulation filing, the shop will operate exclusively as a drive-thru, which makes the interior — at roughly $2,451 per square foot — the most expensive room in the Rio Grande Valley legally classified as none of your business.
Interior Remains Theoretical, Officials Confirm
“We spared no expense on a space no customer will ever legally witness,” said Kiki Zamora, 7 Brew’s newly created Vice President of Forbidden Interiors. “The tile is imported. The ceiling is vaulted, allegedly. You will experience all of it as a blur at three miles per hour, and you will be grateful.”
Zamora declined to confirm whether the building has a door, calling the question “aggressive.” She noted the door, if it exists, is “structural, not philosophical,” and that employees enter through a process she described as “between us and God.”
At $2,451 per square foot, the shed out-prices nearly every home in neighboring Mission, a comparison city officials called unfair — to the homes, which let people in.
“This is the largest per-square-foot investment this city has ever landed, and 100 percent of it will be enjoyed through a rolled-down window,” said Palmhurst economic development coordinator Delfina Briceño, speaking from the bed of a parked Silverado for emphasis. “Other towns have coffee shops you can walk into. Do you know what’s inside those? People. Sweaty, ambitious people. We engineered around that.”
137 Days to Build a Garage Nobody Can Park In
Construction runs from Nov. 9 to March 26, 2027 — 137 days, roughly the timeline of a courthouse renovation — to assemble a structure smaller than most Palmhurst garages, after which the interior will be sealed from the public until the building’s eventual demolition, likely by confused archaeologists.
Mile 3 Road, famously named for its distance from the Rio Grande, will now also host a building whose interior is named for its distance from you: approximately three miles, emotionally.
A groundbreaking is planned for November, with a ceremonial ribbon to be cut by someone idling in the drive-thru lane. The ribbon will then be retied across the entrance, should one be discovered.
