SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — With eight days until the first of two listening sessions that will decide downtown’s fate, the city announced Monday that the revival is now mathematically guaranteed to fail unless enough residents appear at Centennial Park on Nov. 16 at 4 p.m. to tell the fire department what, specifically, “Y” means.
City officials explained the plan runs on a simple equation: planning and zoning has been assigned X, the fire department has been assigned Y, and the public must attend — or complete an online survey that currently exists only as a plan to eventually have a survey — to solve for both. A second session is scheduled Nov. 17 at 3 p.m. at the Harlingen Arts Center, in case residents miss the first chance to do algebra for their government.
“Downtown cannot be saved by the commission. It can only be saved by attendance,” said District 2 Commissioner Daniel Nemecio Lopez, gesturing at a whiteboard containing two letters and a slowly dying dry-erase marker. “If nobody comes, Y stays Y forever, and history will record that Harlingen failed at the variable level.”
At Fire Station One, crews are reportedly already drilling. “We have idle apparatus, a laminated letter Y, and full turnout gear,” said fictional Fire Chief Ruben Puente, staring at the prop with visible exhaustion. “We’re prepared to do Y the moment a civilian tells us whether it’s hydrants, a plaza, or brunch. My men cannot hold this letter past Thanksgiving.”
City Pre-Writes the Failure Press Release, Just to Be Safe
Confirming the stakes, officials revealed they have drafted two versions of the outcome announcement. The success version is three sentences. The failure version is eleven pages, begins “As foretold,” and blames residents of Harlingen for the fire department’s unsolved letter.
“We’re not pessimists. We’re planners,” said a city spokesperson. “The failure draft is just longer because failure has more context.”
Reinforcements En Route From Harlington
Assistance is coming from D-PRAT, a pro-bono rapid assistance team of out-of-town planners whose official schedule lists the Nov. 16–18 workshop in “Harlington,” a sister city reportedly located wherever the proofreading wasn’t. The team will produce an idea book covering adaptive reuse, streetscape, and heritage tourism, which will be uploaded once it is complete, finalized, and ideally read by someone who has physically been to the actual town.
“I attended one of these in 2019 and received a sticker,” said fictional resident Dora Villarreal of the comer of Jackson Street. “I still have the sticker. Downtown still has the downtown. So this time I’m demanding to know what the fire department’s letter is before I sit on a park bench at 4 p.m. on a Tuesday.”
Officials urged anyone with feelings about parking, bricks, or Y to attend both sessions, take the survey that will exist after it exists, and bring water, because the revival cannot proceed dehydrated.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I can only attend the Centennial Park session?
A: You will have solved X, but Y will remain unsolved, and downtown will fail at approximately 50 percent strength, which is somehow worse.
Q: How far away is Harlington?
A: Roughly the distance between Harlingen and whoever was supposed to proofread the workshop schedule.
