SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
McALLEN — One week after Houstonville’s 29th mayor was sworn in at McAllen City Hall and seated at the real City Commission dais, adult city government has quietly begun borrowing personnel from the fourth-grade minitropolis, sources confirmed Tuesday. With Houstonville already staffing a fully operational IBC Bank, a post office, an IRS office, and an H-E-B inside the gymnasium of Sam Houston Elementary, McAllen officials admitted they now lack the institutional depth of a school serving chicken tendies on Thursdays.
“We needed three votes on the drainage committee and the Houstonville treasurer cleared it in one recess,” said one McAllen commissioner, asking to remain anonymous because “the kid IRS does audits now.” “Their city manager is nine and she already found $40,000 in duplicate pencil expenditures. In OUR budget.”
Adult H-E-B Referred to Elementary H-E-B for Guidance
The arrangement escalated Monday when the actual H-E-B on 10th Street requested a consult from Houstonville’s student H-E-B manager after a pallet of Barbacoa salsa blocked aisle 7 for two hours. “He walked in with his lanyard and his clipboard and had that pallet moved in eleven minutes,” said a store employee. “He also fixed our curbside. Nobody knows how.”
At press time, the grown-up McAllen City Commission had requested a joint session with Houstonville to ask why the elementary recycling center turns a profit. The Houstonville mayor agreed, but only after her mandatory 2:30 p.m. nap, which commissioners described as “frankly more fiscal discipline than we’ve shown in a decade.” A spokesperson confirmed the real mayor’s office is now down the hall from a piggy bank labeled “EMS BUDGET, DO NOT TOUCH,” and it is the only city fund running a surplus.
