SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
McALLEN — A revolutionary new wait-time tracker rolled out across Hidalgo and Cameron counties this week is asking voters standing in line at early voting sites to briefly leave the line, find their phones, and report how long the line is, so the tracker can tell the next person how long the line is. Line Check, which relies entirely on self-reports from the last 45 minutes and is not affiliated with either county’s elections department, confirmed Tuesday that its single greatest obstacle to accuracy is the line itself.
“We’ve had a line outside Lark Community Center since Monday,” said fictional tracker architect Devin Puente, gesturing at roughly 40 voters fanning themselves in the October heat. “If just one of them would step out, drive home, log on, and file a report, we could tell everyone exactly what they’re experiencing. So far, zero compliance. It’s very selfish.”
‘The Line Is Withholding Information From Itself’
The tracker weights newer reports more heavily, which officials admit creates a paradox: the moment someone leaves the line to report the line, the line gets shorter, making the report inaccurate by the time it posts. At press time, the only verified submission came from a Weslaco man who reported a 25-minute wait, then returned to find his spot gone and a new wait of 25 minutes, which he also reported, which made the wait 26 minutes.
Meanwhile, organizers announced the tracker is expanding to Starr and Willacy counties by Monday, despite the fact that nobody has confirmed the original line still exists. “We’re scaling faster than the truth can travel,” said fictional spokeswoman Carla Benavides. “That’s just good civic tech.”
At Lark, voter Rosa, who asked to be identified only as “still in line,” said she’d love to help. “They want me to leave the line to update the line? M’ija, I’ve been here since lunch. The line and I are family now. I’m not abandoning it for a webpage.”
Both county elections departments, which are not involved, confirmed they are not involved, in statements released simultaneously and independently, each noting they learned about the tracker from people standing in line asking if the elections department made it.
45-Minute Window Called ‘Generous’
Officials defended the 45-minute reporting window as forgiving. “A line from 44 minutes ago is basically the line of today,” Puente said. “Lines are loyal. They don’t change.” He then watched the Lark line move eleven feet in ninety seconds and declined further comment.
