SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
DONNA, TX — Following a grant-fueled expansion that raised its surgical training capacity from 10 animals to 25, Donna North High School officials confirmed Monday that the school’s veterinary science program can now sterilize more patients simultaneously than the entire licensed veterinary infrastructure of Hidalgo and Cameron counties combined, which state records show employs a grand total of 25 vet techs.
“We did the math and honestly we wish we hadn’t,” said program director Dr. Reyes Guajardo, staring at a whiteboard covered in tally marks. “Eleven techs in Hidalgo, fourteen in Cameron, and our sophomores alone outnumber them before lunch. We’re not a school program anymore. We’re the region’s largest veterinary employer, except nobody gets paid and they all have algebra fifth period.”
Starr and Willacy Counties Officially Referred to Donna North
Officials in Starr and Willacy counties, which have zero licensed vet techs between them — and in Willacy’s case, zero veterinarians as well — confirmed they have quietly begun directing all animal medical questions to the campus clinic, where freshmen arrive at 7 a.m. on weekends and follow one patient from intake through recovery and discharge.
“My dog swallowed a whole stick of brisket off the pit and I didn’t even call the county,” said a Raymondville man. “I just drove to Donna and asked for whoever intubates. They said she was in second period, but she’d be out by 11.”
With roughly 80 freshmen signed up this year, the program is on pace to graduate more certified veterinary assistants — each earning a Texas Veterinary Medical Association Level 1 certification — than there are licensed professionals for them to assist. The Texas Board of Veterinary Medical Examiners declined to comment, reportedly because its licensing division now consists of a voicemail box and a note that says “try the high school.”
State Responds by Asking Students to Also Do Dental
At press time, the state had requested Donna North consider adding a second gymnasium “in case someone’s horse needs something,” and the program’s weekend clinic waiting list had grown to include a llama from La Feria whose owners were told to bring a sack lunch because the anesthesia tech has a debate tournament.
