SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
LA GRULLA — In what officials are calling a “historic operational milestone,” the City of La Grulla announced Monday that its water system has entered an elite state previously thought impossible: fully repaired, actively flowing through every pipe in town, and officially unsafe for human consumption.
“A lot of cities can fix their water. A lot of cities have water flowing. A lot of cities have boil-water notices,” said a city spokesperson standing beside a tanker truck in the Circle 7 Express parking lot at 7035 East U.S. Highway 83. “Very few have achieved all three at once. We’re calling it the La Grulla Hat Trick, and we’d like it noted in the county record.”
The journey began Oct. 1, when part of the water plant was shut down for repairs, causing outages across La Grulla, Alto Bonito, La Victoria, and La Paloma. On Oct. 3, the city triumphantly declared the problem fixed and water flowing. By Oct. 4, Starr County Precinct 3 and the La Grulla Fire Department were still handing out bottled water at a convenience store and non-potable water at Alto Bonito Park, which officials stressed was “a completely separate water situation involving the same water.”
Pipes Are Currently Transitioning
Asked to explain the paradox, officials pointed to the city’s ongoing switch from older infrastructure to newer infrastructure, a process now in its fourth decade and described as “going great.”
“The old pipes and the new pipes are in a transitional period, like a teenager,” the spokesperson said. “You can’t drink from either of them right now, but emotionally, tremendous progress.”
The Texas Commission on Environmental Quality weighed in Monday morning by ordering a boil-water notice requiring residents to bring water to a vigorous boil for two full minutes — a standard officials say is best achieved while staring directly at the pot to demonstrate vigilance.
Questions Route Through Austin, Obviously
Residents with concerns are directed to call Roberto Salinas at the local number provided, or, if the matter concerns why their tap water exists in three contradictory legal states, to dial an executive director in Austin, 500 miles away, who will listen sympathetically and then also suggest boiling.
“We want to reassure everyone that the water is back,” the spokesperson concluded, gesturing at a hose filling a woman’s igloo cooler behind the Circle 7. “It’s back, it’s everywhere, and under no circumstances should it enter your body. God bless La Grulla.”
