SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
LA GRULLA, TX — Days after announcing that the Oct. 1 repair at the water plant was complete and water was once again “flowing throughout the system,” the city of La Grulla confirmed Monday that its brand-new pipes are fully operational and simply cannot locate any water to be operational with.
“The infrastructure is finished,” said city utilities spokesperson Marisol Treviño, standing beside a gleaming trench of empty PVC on East U.S. Highway 83. “What we have is a world-class delivery system with nothing in it. Think of it as a very expensive straw waiting patiently by a glass that has not been poured.”
The Texas Commission on Environmental Quality responded by issuing a boil-water notice instructing residents to bring any water they eventually receive to a vigorous, rolling boil for no fewer than two minutes. TCEQ officials acknowledged the tap in most homes is currently producing a sound best described as a polite apology, but stressed the two-minute rule applies “retroactively, prospectively, and hypothetically.”
Water Distribution Continues for Water That Was Already Restored
Meanwhile, distribution of the water the city said it had already restored continued Sunday at the Circle 7 Express on East U.S. Highway 83, where residents of Alto Bonito, La Victoria, La Paloma, and La Grulla lined up with IDs and their own containers to collect non-potable water — which officials urged residents not to drink, boil, or think about too hard.
“You have to bring your own jug,” Treviño explained. “The city provides the water. Well — the city provides the concept of the water. The jug is on you.”
Residents with questions were directed to call a number in Austin, where an executive director is available to discuss a water system located 300 miles from his desk and roughly zero feet from nobody’s faucet.
City Promises Clarity Once There Is Something to Clarify
Officials say the notice will remain in effect until tests confirm the water is safe — a process that cannot begin until there is water to test, which cannot begin until the completed pipes locate some.
“Everything is fixed,” Treviño repeated, slowly, to a fourth reporter. “We just don’t have the part that comes out.”
Additional reporting by the Jessica Walker Desk, which boiled this article for two minutes before publishing.
