SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — Flanked by a ceremonial oversized check dated six to eight weeks in the past, the Harlingen Economic Development Corporation announced Tuesday that its suite of matching grants is now more generous, more accessible, and more strictly available only after local business owners have already paid for everything out of their own pockets.
Under the expanded programs, Revitalize Harlingen will reimburse up to $10,000 for facade improvements, now open to every business in the city instead of just designated zones, because the EDC determined that financial stress should be distributed equitably across all zip codes. Boost Harlingen, which matches marketing expenses, raised its cap from $1,500 to $2,000 — a $500 increase officials described as ‘transformational’ while standing in front of a banner reading ‘SPEND FIRST, THRIVE LATER.’
‘The Money Was Inside You All Along, But It Wasn’t’
‘The point is to help businesses thrive and stay in Harlingen,’ said an EDC spokesperson, moments after unveiling a flowchart in which Step 1 is ‘Have $20,000,’ Step 2 is ‘Spend $20,000,’ and Step 3 is a small drawing of a tortoise. ‘With geographic zones eliminated, a owner on Jackson Avenue and a owner by the airport can now both float the full cost of construction on their credit cards side by side. That’s equity.’
The EDC also added historic preservation as an eligible use of its $100,000 downtown set-aside, meaning owners of aging buildings can now restore a 1948 storefront to its original glory and then wait, historically, for the money.
Local reaction was swift. The owner of a soon-to-be-invented event center on the west side said she plans to ‘take the plunge’ a second time. ‘The first plunge, I plunged with my own savings. The reimbursement arrived after my daughter’s quinceañera, which I also paid for,’ she said. ‘But the sign they sent says GRANT RECIPIENT, and honestly that sign has done more for business than the grant.’
Equip Harlingen Returns To Equip Those Already Equipped
The revival of Equip Harlingen will similarly reimburse owners for equipment — ovens, welding rigs, ice machines — that must be purchased, installed, broken in, and emotionally bonded with before a single dollar moves. ‘We want to make sure businesses have the equipment they need,’ an official explained. ‘Which is why we only fund equipment they already bought. It’s foolproof. They clearly needed it.’
At press time, the EDC had announced a new emergency program offering struggling businesses a matching grant of up to $15,000, available exclusively to businesses that have already recovered.
