SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
EDINBURG — In a triumph of Rio Grande Valley work ethic, the nearly $800 million sterile screwworm fly facility at Moore Air Base announced Monday that it will finish construction in April 2027, a full eight months ahead of its own flies, which are not expected to arrive until the end of 2027.
“We built the whole factory early,” said a project manager, gesturing proudly at 300 million empty cubicles, each with a tiny nameplate reading RESERVED. “The flies just have to do their part now. We can’t want it more than they do.”
Construction crews worked double shifts to get the building done ahead of schedule, a decision officials described as “extremely Valley” — finish early, then sit in the parking lot waiting on everybody else. The flies, reached through a spokesperson in Panama, said they were “on their way” and had “just stopped real quick at the casa.”
State-of-the-Art Facility Fully Equipped for Nothing Until Further Notice
The plant, once operational, is designed to churn out up to 300 million sterile flies per week. Until then, it will produce zero flies per week at maximum efficiency, making it the most productive idle facility in Hidalgo County since the old cruise terminal idea.
“We’ve done everything,” a USDA spokesperson said. “The building is up. The machines are humming. The break room has aguas frescas. The only thing missing is 300 million employees, and those take a while to grow.”
In the meantime, South Texas ranchers continue receiving sterile flies shipped in from Panama and southern Mexico, which locals have praised as “basically the flea market of biological pest control — not what you wanted, but it’s here.”
Flies Cite ‘Growing the Colony’ as Reason for Delay
The colony itself must still be established before production begins, a process one entomologist compared to “waiting on your primo who said he’s five minutes away from Mission.”
“People think you just flip a switch and flies come out,” the entomologist said. “No. First the flies have to meet each other, exchange numbers, decide if they’re serious. It’s a whole thing.”
City officials remain optimistic, noting that an early factory with late flies still beats a late factory with no flies, which was the original plan under the previous administration.
