SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — Citing the need for additional time to let residents fully articulate their feelings about water falling from the sky, the Harlingen City Commission voted Wednesday to extend its data center moratorium by another 60 days, bringing the total study period to 180 days of a $4 billion campus that is already physically built.
“We are very close to understanding rain,” said Commissioner-at-Large Delfina Kowalski, gesturing toward a PowerPoint slide that just said ‘Arroyo??’ in 400-point font. “But the people of Harlingen still have questions. Where does it go? Why is it wet? Can it go in the canal east of Valley International Airport, or does it need to fill out a permit first? We owe it to ourselves not to rush this.”
Fluidstack, which broke ground months ago on its 1,100-acre site between Harlingen and Rio Hondo, has reportedly offered $7 million in infrastructure improvements and a $20 million payment to the city in exchange for permission to discharge stormwater into a city-owned drainage canal. City staff responded by scheduling a second vote, a third vote, a town hall, and a ‘Rain Summit’ to be held at the Harlingen Municipal Auditorium, where attendees will take turns explaining the concept of drainage to a whiteboard.
‘It Rained In September And We Were Not Prepared Emotionally’
“The first 120 days were about water, sewer, and electrical impacts,” said interim Stormwater Feelings Coordinator Ruben Tijerina. “The next 60 days are about closure. Several residents got all the way to ‘the rain comes down’ and then just trailed off. We can’t approve a discharge permit while somebody’s tío is mid-sentence.”
At press time, construction crews at the Fluidstack site had poured so much concrete that the only remaining question was whether the buildings themselves now outnumbered the city’s rain metaphors, an outcome the Commission declined to study, citing the moratorium.
