SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — Citing the need for scientific rigor, city commissioners voted this week to extend the data center moratorium from 120 to 180 days — the legal maximum — so Ambiotec Engineering can complete a comprehensive study determining whether a data center is still a data center after six months of everyone staring at it.
“At day 119, the data center was still a data center. But science demands we not jump to conclusions,” said Ambiotec lead investigator Dr. Rolando Peña, who has spent the past four months observing the proposed 1,800-acre site near Valley International Airport through binoculars. “We’ve ruled out ‘giant tamale,’ ‘very flat H-E-B,’ and ‘the world’s largest palapa.’ But we cannot yet confirm it hasn’t become, say, a concept. That requires the full 180 days.”
The extension pushes the moratorium to the statutory limit, meaning the city must now draft permanent zoning ordinances before the clock runs out or the data center reverts to being simply a data center by default, a loophole officials called “terrifying.”
Engineers Test Whether Water Is Still Wet Enough To Count
A second phase of the study will examine whether the 4.7 million gallons of treated wastewater per day once contracted for the project is still, in fact, water. “We put some in a jar in January,” Peña said. “Every week we check if it’s still agua. So far, so good. But you don’t publish until peer review.”
City Manager Gabriel Gonzalez defended the pace. “People say, ‘It’s a data center, we know what it is.’ Okay, but do we? Six months ago it was a rumor. Then it was a rezoning request. Now it’s a moratorium. That thing has changed identity three times without moving an inch. We’re not building server halls on a shapeshifter.”
Residents near the airport, who have packed commission meetings since the multi-billion-dollar proposal surfaced, expressed cautious relief. “Honestly, if staring at an empty field keeps them from drinking our water, stare longer,” said one homeowner who asked to be identified only as ‘Concerned, With Binoculars.’ “My husband and I do it too now. It’s become a hobby. Yesterday we saw a nilgai.”
Commissioners stressed the 60-day extension is procedural, not a delay tactic. “This is not us kicking the can down the road,” one commissioner said, kicking a can down Loop 499 for emphasis. “This is us commissioning a $200-an-hour professional to confirm the can is still a can.”
What Happens At Day 180
If Ambiotec confirms the data center remains a data center, staff will begin drafting zoning rules for data centers, which they could have started in March. If it does not, the city says it is “prepared for that too, probably.”
