SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
STARBASE, TX—In what city officials are hailing as a landmark exercise in transparent local governance, the Starbase City Commission announced this week that it will convene a duly noticed public hearing on Dec. 9 at 7 p.m. at 48491 State Highway 4 so that SpaceX can stand before the dais and formally request that SpaceX be excused from paying Starbase approximately $24 billion in property taxes.
“We promised the people of this city an open and accountable process, and that is precisely what they will get: a full and fair hearing in which I listen very carefully to both sides of myself,” said the mayor, who asked to remain anonymous because he could not immediately recall whether he was speaking on behalf of the city, the company, or both, a condition he described as “the usual.”
According to the published agenda, Item 3 will consist of a presentation by the applicant, SpaceX, requesting a Chapter 312 abatement and a Chapter 380 economic-development agreement on a 444-acre gas-fired power plant and super-compute campus—Cameron County Property ID 171887, already inside the Cameron County Enterprise Zone, and appraised documents describe as “the one next to the landfill”—followed by questions from the commissioners, several of whom are employed by the applicant, followed by public comment from residents, most of whom are also employed by the applicant.
“I plan to grill this proposal mercilessly,” said Commissioner Chuy Ramirez, unclipping his SpaceX badge and setting it facedown on the dais. “I helped write the application, I notarized the application, and I am romantically involved with several of the turbines in the application. But tonight, I am a public servant first and an employee second, which is why I waited until 7 p.m., when my shift ends.”
Officials were quick to stress that no outcome has been predetermined, explaining that state law requires the hearing before the commission may act on a project whose air permit—filed by Trinity Consultants for 35 natural-gas turbines rated at 748 megawatts—has already been submitted and whose data center is currently visible from the hearing-room window, emerging from the soil beside the landfill at an assessed value of roughly $24 billion.
“Just because the thing is already built does not mean this is a foregone conclusion,” said Commissioner Becky Longoria, gesturing through the blinds at the cranes. “It means it is a foregone conclusion that has already been built. Legally, we still have to sit here and ask ourselves if it’s okay. It is a formality, but it is our formality, and we take enormous pride in it.”
Supporters of the abatement note the facility represents the largest tax base in the city’s brief history, which they say is exactly why it must pay no taxes. “A $24 billion development like this only comes along once in a generation, and when it does, the town it’s in simply cannot afford to benefit from it,” said a SpaceX spokesperson, who is also a commissioner, who is also the applicant.
The Dec. 9 hearing will feature three minutes of speaking time per resident, a public-comment period the commission has already voted—as employees—to spend thanking SpaceX for the opportunity. It will conclude with a ceremonial recusal, in which every badge-carrying commissioner steps into the parking lot, deliberates privately with themselves, and returns with a verdict sources describe as “warmly received by SpaceX.”
At press time, the city had unanimously approved the minutes of the vote it will take next week, 5-0, with one abstention from a commissioner who wanted the record to show he hesitated, briefly, for character reasons.
