SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — Organizers of the abruptly cancelled Frontera Fest confirmed this week that the booth fees collected from Valley vendors are covered by an ironclad no-refund clause, before announcing that the same fees are in fact being refunded, little by little, to somebody, in an order that so far includes no vendor anyone in Harlingen or Weslaco has ever met.
“The contract is very clear: all fees are non-refundable under all circumstances,” said organizer Luis ‘Louie’ Treviño-Guillen, reading aloud from a laminated agreement while handing a cashier’s check for $3 to a man witnesses describe as “possibly a hologram.” “However, out of the goodness of my heart, refunds are now flowing. Slowly. Chronologically. The first refund went to a payment received in 2019, which predates this festival, this city’s involvement, and frankly this economy.”
The three-day festival was cancelled one day before it was supposed to start, leaving vendors like a tooth-gem booth ($450), a michelada mix stand ($500), and a Weslaco pink seafood-boil restaurant (more than $1,200) holding inventory and hope. Hope, unlike booth fees, remains fully refundable.
City of Harlingen Announces Refunds It Is Not Involved In
The City of Harlingen, which stresses it did not run, fund, sanction, or physically attend the event, released a statement September 10 confidently declaring that every vendor would be refunded in full.
“We were assured of this by the organizer, which is different from us knowing it, doing it, or being liable for it,” the statement read. “The City of Harlingen is proud to announce refunds it will not be issuing for an event it did not host.”
At press time, Treviño-Guillen confirmed the refund queue had reached a payment made by “a lady at the flea market in 2014,” and estimated the michelada stand would receive its money around 2047, in monthly installments of $1.75, which he described as “little by little, exactly as promised.”
Vendors Slowly Comprehend The Math
“I’ve done the calculation,” said the Weslaco boil owner, staring at a bank app that shows only wind. “If he’s refunding in the order payments came in, and my refund arrives before the heat death of the sun, I’ll consider it a miracle on the level of the Virgen de San Juan.”
Treviño-Guillen declined to explain why the festival was cancelled, citing “the same clause that makes the fees non-refundable, which is also the clause making them refundable, which is Clause 1.”
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Are the fees refundable?
A: No. Also yes. Also little by little. Also not to you.
Q: When will vendors be paid?
A: In the order the payments came in. The first payment came from a man in Donna in 2011 who bought a funnel cake that never arrived. After him, roughly 8,000 others.
