SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
POINT ISABEL — Under a new fuel-savings protocol believed to be the first of its kind in Texas, Point Isabel ISD buses will now remain completely powered off — including radios, hazard lights, and, in one controversial memo, the driver’s circulatory system — until the shoe of the very first child on the route makes physical contact with the first step of the bus. The district then asks the diesel to please be patient until the Legislature convenes in January.
“We did the math,” said transportation coordinator Dalis “Stopwatch” Peña, clicking a stopwatch at a bus stop on State Highway 100 as a first-grader approached in slow motion. “Every second of idle time is money. Every second a child walks is savings. Technically, if the kids ran, we could start the engine even later. We’ve emailed the PE coaches.”
The district locked its budget in July, then watched fuel prices do what fuel prices do, which is whatever they want. Rather than cut routes, Point Isabel has trimmed every drop of idle time: drivers now depart at the precise moment the first child is picked up and the morning run officially ends when the last child is dropped at the final school, at which point the bus is towed home by volunteers to save the starter motor.
February Called; Diesel Declined to Comment
The district’s formal plan for September’s fuel costs is a conversation with lawmakers in January, a scheduling strategy Peña described as “confident.” “We’ve sent Austin a calendar,” she said. “We circled January. We also circled the diesel prices from July, back when we budgeted, in case diesel gets nostalgic.”
Complicating matters, bus demand is rising, because the same gas prices strangling the district are convincing families to leave their trucks at home. “Everybody’s saving gas,” Peña said. “The bus is saving so much gas it’s not technically running.”
The one exception to the no-idle rule remains UIL travel: a single weekend in Corpus Christi still requires a minimum of five buses — band, athletes, cheer, dance, and one bus that just carries the timpani and one tuba player named行情 Marco. “Those buses idle all the way to Corpus,” Peña confirmed. “That’s not waste. That’s school spirit, which the state funds differently. Probably.”
Children Advised to Lube Their Shoes
Officials urge parents to have children’s shoes on and laced by 6 a.m., because a untied shoelace at the step currently costs the district 40 cents. “We’re not saying sprint,” Peña said. “We’re saying the engine can hear you.”
