SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
LA JOYA — After months of calculations nobody enjoyed, La Joya ISD announced this week that moving 10,000 daily riders door-to-door with 128 drivers across 134 routes is “mathematically impossible,” and has therefore deeded the last half-mile of every bus route to the students themselves.
“We ran the numbers forward, backward, and in Spanish,” said Dr. Alma Reyes, the district’s newly created Deputy Superintendent of Distance Allocation. “Ten thousand kids. One hundred twenty-eight drivers. One hundred thirty-four routes. Five vacancies nobody will fill. The math said no. So we did the only thing a bureaucracy can do when arithmetic turns on you: we transferred the asset to a minor.”
District Holds Ceremony Deeding Half-Mile To Eighth Graders
Outside Cesar Chavez Middle School, officials handed each student a laminated certificate granting “full and permanent title” to the half-mile between their front door and the nearest bus stop. Students may walk their half-mile, jog it, lease it to a younger sibling, or simply hold it until graduation, when it quietly reverts to the district.
“That half-mile is theirs now,” Reyes said, gesturing toward Showers Road, where the sidewalk ends just past the public safety building and becomes a grass strip. “We are aware the concrete also gave up. That, too, is mathematically impossible to reverse.”
Officials confirmed Pre-K through second grade students will keep door-to-door service, explaining that “you cannot hand a half-mile to someone with arms that small. They would drop it in the caliche.”
Football Buses Declared Untouchable By Math
Extracurricular buses will continue running, because “Friday nights are load-bearing.” Athletes, band members, and tutoring students will still be bused — to campus, where parents must collect them, completing the district’s signature maneuver of relocating the last half-mile from the bus route to the pickup line.
“Somebody still drives a half-mile in this district,” Reyes said. “We’ve simply diversified who.”
La Joya parent Sylvia Peña said her 13-year-old tried to claim his half-mile as a dependent on the family’s taxes. “He also asked if the grass strip came with water rights,” she said. “I told him to take it up with the public safety building.”
Frequently Asked Questions
Do kindergarteners have to walk their half-mile?
No. Pre-K through second grade keep door-to-door service, since the district determined a 5-year-old cannot legally hold title to infrastructure.
Can students sell their half-mile?
No. The half-mile may be enjoyed but not transferred. The district will, however, accept donations of drivers — ideally 134 of them.
