SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
MISSION, TX — Announcing a bold long-term sustainability plan Monday, Mission CISD confirmed it will begin rightsizing its campuses in the 2027-2028 school year, a generous two-year window intended to give its remaining empty desks ample time to formally withdraw and enroll themselves at Sharyland. District officials explained that with enrollment down from roughly 15,000 students to about 13,000 over the past decade, the time has come to acknowledge that half of the district’s 14 elementary schools have been operating at under 60 percent capacity — a threshold several campuses reportedly crossed by turning spare classrooms into “air-conditioned contemplation chambers.”
‘Doing Nothing Is Still a Decision, and We Intend to Keep Making It Until 2027’
Administrators stressed that while payroll consumes 75 to 80 percent of the budget and hundreds of classrooms now function primarily as storage for older, emptier classrooms, the district is not in crisis. “We are financially healthy,” said one official, standing in a hallway where a teacher was assigned to a class of one student who had also already transferred to IDEA. “We are simply a healthy organization that is planning, thoughtfully and at zero mph, for a future in which it is smaller.”
The plan’s centerpiece is the word “rightsize,” which the district chose after focus groups found “shrink,” “consolidate,” and “half of you aren’t coming back” tested poorly. Under the timeline, no changes will occur this school year, next school year, or the year after that, ensuring today’s fourth-graders can experience the full three-year suspense of finding out which library becomes a distribution center.
Sharyland Responds by Building Additions It Doesn’t Need Yet
Sources confirmed Sharyland ISD has begun construction on classrooms for students who are still, technically, enrolled in Mission, in what economists are calling the Valley’s first pre-emptive desk pipeline. Mission officials say they welcome the competition and are confident families will stay once they see the district’s new slogan, unveiled at Monday’s meeting: “Mission CISD: Still Open, Mostly.”
A final slide in the presentation reminded trustees that “doing nothing is still a decision,” to which the board reportedly nodded solemnly and voted, unanimously, to do nothing until at least 2027.
