SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
McALLEN — City officials confirmed Monday that Los Encinos Park’s longtime kickball field has been formally served eviction papers and enrolled in an intensive $350,000 retraining program, with a hard deadline to identify as a synthetic-turf soccer pitch by next week.
“We sat the diamond down and told it the truth: kickball is a chapter, not a career,” said a city spokesperson, kicking at home plate. “The soccer community finds synthetic turf very popular, so we decided to give it a go. The field has until Friday to stop having corners.”
The conversion, McAllen’s second synthetic turf field, entered construction about a month ago, which officials described as “plenty of time for a kickball diamond to reconsider its entire identity.” Crews have been working around the clock painting the outfield green and whispering “Fútbol, mijo” at the pitcher’s mound.
Field Reportedly ‘Trying Its Best’
Sources close to the project say the transition has not been smooth. The infield reportedly keeps reverting to kickball posture overnight, and last Tuesday witnesses saw second base “openly grieving” before being loaded onto a flatbed.
“At first the field resisted. It kept shouting ‘RED rover!’ every time we unrolled a turf segment,” said one contractor, who asked not to be named because he still plays in a Tuesday kickball league that no longer has a home. “But once we explained the $350,000 — minimum — it got very cooperative very fast. Money talks. Grass, apparently, listens.”
City officials defended the price tag, noting that teaching a diamond to become a rectangle is “basically geometry, and geometry is expensive in this economy.” An additional line item covers emotional support for the outfield fence, which is being asked to identify as a goal.
Deadline Pressures Mount
With opening set for next week, Parks officials held a pep rally at the site, holding up flashcards of Pelé while the field repeated after them: “I am a pitch. I am a pitch. Corner kicks are real and valid.”
“Look, is it weird that we spent at least $350,000 so plastic grass could be popular somewhere by Tuesday?” the spokesperson said. “Maybe. But this is the Valley. We don’t do things halfway. We do them at a minimum cost of $350,000, by next week, God willing.”
At press time, the field had successfully gone 40 minutes without bases and was being rewarded with extra crumb rubber.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What happens if the field isn’t soccer by next week?
A> Officials say they will simply extend the deadline and the budget, which is the Rio Grande Valley’s most popular form of exercise.
Q: Where will kickball players go?
A: They have been encouraged to give it a go, per city guidance, ideally somewhere rectangular.
