SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
EDINBURG — In what officials are calling a landmark investment in public safety, Hidalgo County announced Saturday that all 116 of its new automated external defibrillators, purchased with opioid abatement grant money, have been ceremonially installed in patrol vehicles, with the training on what the machines do scheduled for a comfortable, unspecified point in the future.
“Deputies are often the first on scene at a crash or medical call,” said a county spokesperson, patting one of the devices like a horse he had never ridden. “And now, instead of just waiting for an ambulance, they can stand next to a very expensive machine that is also waiting for an ambulance.”
Grant Money Expiring, Knowledge Not Yet Funded
The defibrillators were bought with opioid abatement funds, a category of money that officials explained must be spent quickly on equipment, because purchasing things is reimbursable and understanding them is not. County purchasing records show line items for 116 AED units, 116 vehicle mounting brackets, and a single laminated card that says “DO NOT USE UNTIL CLASS.”
“The machines analyze a heart rhythm and, if needed, deliver a shock to restore a normal rhythm,” the spokesperson said, reading directly from the box. “That’s what the box says. We’re not box scientists. The certified medical personnel will handle the knowing part, and they’ve been verbally scheduled for ‘after the holidays, or the other holidays.'”
Sources confirmed that several deputies have already developed their own interim protocols, including pointing at the AED encouragingly, telling it “tú puedes,” and in one Weslaco unit, draping a rosary over it for spiritual coverage until the training arrives.
County Defends Buy-First, Learn-Later Model
At a press conference in Edinburg, officials defended the sequencing as a proud Rio Grande Valley tradition, noting the county previously purchased a drone, a boat, and a mobile command center using the exact same three-phase plan: acquire, display at a press conference, learn.
“People say, ‘Why not train first, then buy?'” the spokesperson said. “That’s not how grants work. The grant said 116 defibrillators. It didn’t say 116 people who know what a defibrillator is. We delivered exactly what the paperwork asked for, ahead of schedule.”
Officials confirmed that if any additional grant money becomes available, the county intends to purchase 116 fire extinguishers, 116 jaws of life, and one afternoon of training, if the afternoon is reimbursable.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Can the deputies use the AEDs now?
A: Technically the machines talk you through it out loud, but officials have asked deputies not to make eye contact with them until the class, out of respect for the process.
Q: What happens if someone goes into cardiac arrest before the training?
A: The deputy will open the trunk, display the defibrillator with pride, and begin a slow, confident countdown to the arrival of certified medical personnel, who know things.
