SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
EDINBURG, TX — Flanked by an easel displaying a rendering of a train drawn in what witnesses confirmed was ballpoint pen, Texas House District 41 candidate Ramiro Delgado-Guzmán announced Thursday that his proposed Monterrey-to-Texas-Triangle high-speed rail will generate billions in investment, thousands of jobs, and at least one renamed expressway before a single spike is driven anywhere in Hidalgo County.
“People keep asking, ‘Where are the tracks?’ and I keep telling them: wrong question,” Delgado-Guzmán told supporters outside an Edinburg convenience store. “The tracks are Phase Six. The prosperity is Phase One. We did the phases in the economically correct order.”
Economic Impact Study Already Commuting to a Job in McAllen
The candidate’s plan, printed on glossy cardstock at a North 10th Street print shop, includes an 800-page impact study, a symbolic groundbreaking at a field near the Edinburg/McAllen line, and a ribbon-cutting ceremony — all scheduled before the railroad physically exists. The ribbon will be cut across empty air, which Delgado-Guzmán called “the most shovel-ready part of the project.”
“This train is already putting food on tables,” he said, gesturing at a table of tamales he confirmed were catered by a business that “conceptually” sits along the future route. “Those are rail tamales. Sold because of the rail. The rail is working right now, invisibly, for everyone from Monterrey to wherever the Texas Triangle is.”
Supporters at the event wore “I RODE THE PHANTOM TRAIN” T-shirts depicting a bullet train that, like the railroad itself, is an illustration. Local man Refugio Páez, 61, said he had already sold his truck. “Ramiro says the boom comes first, so logically the train comes right after,” Páez said. “I’ll wait right here. By this field. Where the ribbon was.”
Campaign Clarifies That the Spike Is ‘Basically a Formality’
Responding to critics who noted the line has no funding, no start date, and no spikes, campaign manager Crystal Cavazos produced a single railroad spike from her tote bag and set it on the card table. “There’s a spike,” she said. “It’s right there. We’re not going to drive it yet because once you drive the spike, that’s when the delays start. We’re managing this responsibly.”
Delgado-Guzmán closed the event by asking voters to imagine the sound of a train. “You hear that?” he said into a microphone in a silent parking lot. “That’s the sound of investment arriving at 180 miles per hour. Early voting starts Monday. The train starts Tuesday. Or later. The money starts now.”
