SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
BROWNsville — The Brownsville Entertainment District’s newest security hire has already drawn rave reviews from city hall: it hovers at 200 feet, sees four patios at once, and — most importantly — has gone 60 consecutive days without submitting a single overtime slip.
“Honestly, it’s the best employee we’ve ever had,” said a city spokesperson watching the drone hold a perfect stationary position over a downtown bar district like a chalk mark drawn on the sky. “It doesn’t take lunch. It doesn’t complain about the heat. It has never once said ‘I’m coding this as two hours over.’ Twenty-seven thousand dollars a month, gone. Poof. Well — buzz.”
City officials confirmed the drone was hired specifically because the department is 40 officers short, a staffing gap that previously meant paying human beings time-and-a-half to stand on a sidewalk outside Brownsville’s bars at 1 a.m. The drone, sources say, does the standing outside part for free, in the air, indefinitely, with the serene patience of something that does not have knees.
Employee of the Month, Every Month, Forever
The drone has reportedly already been named Employee of the Month by default, since it is the only city worker who has never called in sick, requested a transfer, or asked why the bathroom on the second floor of city hall has been “temporarily closed” since 2019.
“It sees more of the entertainment district than an officer who went home three hours ago,” the spokesperson said. “Which, to be fair, is also true of most security cameras, a pigeon, and the moon. But the drone sends an alert. The moon just stares.”
Not everyone is impressed. A veteran officer assigned to walk the same block the drone is hovering over expressed confusion about the division of labor. “So I’m down here, and it’s up there, and when something happens, it calls me,” he said. “So it’s a walkie-talkie. We spent a walkie-talkie’s worth of budget plus rotors on a walkie-talkie that can’t work weekends because of wind advisories.”
Holiday Weekend: More Humans, Same Drone, Zero Grievances
For the upcoming holiday weekend, the city plans extra officers on the ground — hired through a new fast-track process for experienced transfers, because waiting for cadets to finish the academy was taking longer than the drone’s battery life — plus the drone overhead, where it will hover, dispatch, and accrue absolutely no comp time.
“We’re considering a cost-of-living adjustment for it,” the spokesperson admitted. “It declined. It declined by continuing to hover. That’s the kind of team player we need.”
At press time, the drone had been spotted hovering over a single taquería parking lot for 45 minutes, which officials described as “extremely thorough” and not, as witnesses suggested, “lost.”
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Does the drone get benefits?
A: It gets firmware updates. City hall has ruled this is “generous.” The drone has not grieved the decision, mostly because it cannot.
Q: What happens if it rains?
A: The $27,000-a-month overtime returns, briefly, like a Valley humidity. Officials ask residents to please not light fireworks at the drone.
