SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
EDINBURG — Fifty-four days after a car struck the entrance of the $190 million Hidalgo County courthouse, county officials announced Friday they have completed a forensic, penny-level accounting of everything except the part that is broken. The ledger, released with the solemnity of an audit, confirms $72,743.36 was spent from the general fund on the initial response and securing the site — including, per the county’s own morning-after imagery, one worker sweeping glass off the front steps with what sources confirm was a very well-documented broom.
“We can tell you the broom cost $12.47,” said a county spokesperson, flipping through a three-ring binder labeled ‘DOOR: TBD, VOL. 1 OF 14.’ “We can tell you the caution tape was $8.99 a roll. We can tell you this building was open 517 days before the crash, which is 517 more days than we’ve been able to price a repair. What we cannot tell you is what the door costs, because the door is currently a concept.”
County Turns to Math It Invented
Officials explained the delay stems from the courthouse’s exterior glass panels and tiles being unique to the structure, requiring what the county describes in official documents as “some lead time.” County actuaries confirmed “some” is currently valued somewhere between $4 and $11 million, depending on humidity.
“That glass doesn’t exist anywhere else on Earth,” the spokesperson said. “Neither does our repair estimate. In a way, the courthouse facade and our budget are both one-of-a-kind. We consider that symmetry.”
The building itself reopened Sept. 4, and visitors now enter through what the county has formally designated ‘the entrance that doesn’t have a story.’ Meanwhile, leadership has launched a parallel study on whether to add extra entrances and exits that won’t compromise security — a project the county has already priced, scheduled, and named, unlike the door.
Officials Ask Public to Price the Door for Them
In lieu of an estimate, the county has placed a suggestion box outside the damaged entrance reading ‘HOW MUCH YOU THINK?’ Early submissions include a napkin that says ‘idk like 200 bucks’ and a formal proposal from a local contractor to fix it ‘mañana or the day after, we’ll see.’
“The people of Hidalgo County deserve transparency,” the spokesperson said, gesturing at the hole where the door used to be, which is at least extremely transparent. “And when we have a number, we will round it to the exact cent, because that is who we are. We are a county of $72,743.36, not a county of $72,000. The door will get that same respect. Eventually. After some lead time.”
At press time, the county had approved $340 for a nicer suggestion box.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How much will the repair cost?
A: The county knows exactly how much it costs to not repair it: $72,743.36 and counting.
Q: When will the entrance reopen?
A: After some lead time for one-of-a-kind glass, which experts say is Valley Standard Time plus a factor of “we’ll see.”
