SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
PHARR — Declaring the West Longoria Drive sewer situation “fully resolved as of the moment we typed that word,” the City of Pharr announced Tuesday it has closed the 311 ticket, archived the manhole file, and redirected all municipal resources toward its prime suspect: a package of wet wipes.
“There are no known ongoing wastewater issues on Longoria Drive,” said city spokesperson Doria Fuentes, standing carefully on the sidewalk. “There is, however, a known ongoing wet wipe issue on Longoria Drive, and possibly statewide. Those are two different departments.”
Residents say the manhole has overflowed so many times it now qualifies for its own 311 username. One West Longoria homeowner, who asked to be identified only as “the driveway guy,” said the sewage has reached his driveway, crossed the street, and developed enough of a routine that neighbors have started calling it ‘el vecino.’
“The city fixed it on a Sunday and it was back by Tuesday,” he said. “That’s not a repair. That’s a lease.”
City Deploys Fridge-Magnet-Level Response
Pharr’s official statement urged residents to stop flushing wet wipes, diapers, paper towels, personal care products, and fats, oils, and grease — a list so comprehensive the city conceded it cannot rule out tamale grease from Thanksgiving 2019. Officials also reminded residents to report future smells through the 311 app, which currently shows the Longoria complaints as “resolved,” a status the app maintains with the quiet confidence of a man who has never opened his own driveway.
“The app says resolved,” Fuentes said. “The driveway says otherwise. Legally, we go with the app.”
Wet Wipes Declared Person of Interest
At a press conference held upwind, Pharr Public Utilities unveiled an evidence board connecting the wet wipes to the grease, the grease to the diapers, and all of it to a 40-year-old clay pipe the city declined to discuss on advice of counsel. “We are confident that when we find the individual flushing these items, this manhole will finally know peace,” said utilities director Ramiro Casso, gesturing at a photo of a wipe that had been driven to the scene in a sandwich bag.
The manhole itself declined to comment but was observed burping at 4 p.m., an incident the 311 app automatically logged as “already resolved.”
