SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
EDINBURG — Citing a firm belief that money grows more patient when you ignore it, the Edinburg ISD board of trustees voted unanimously this week to decline a nearly $6 million cash offer for 113.35 acres of brushland on Davis Road, explaining that the district — currently carrying a $15 million budget deficit — is “holding out for a nicer $6 million.”
“Anyone can bring you six million dollars. That’s the easy six million,” said board member Rick Delgadillo-Vela, who is invented. “We’re waiting for the six million that shows up in a nicer envelope. Maybe with a wax seal. We’re a school district, not a pawn shop.”
The rejected buyer, identified in district records as “Rhodes-Adjacent Development Interests,” had proposed using the land for low- and moderate-income housing, a plan board members dismissed as “off-brand” for a parcel located one mile east of Highway 281 and directly north of La Sienna, a luxury master-planned community that has been about 40 percent built since roughly the Clinton administration.
‘The Land Can Sense Weakness’
Officials confirmed the district has instead listed the property for competitive bids, a strategy they compared to refusing to sell a cow until the cow appreciates in value. “That soil out there is prime dirt,” said interim land strategist Connie Zamora, also invented. “Some of the finest empty dirt in Hidalgo County. You don’t just give away empty dirt to the first developer who asks. The land can sense weakness.”
Under questioning about the $15 million deficit, board members produced a whiteboard showing that $6 million is technically not $15 million, and therefore accepting it would only solve 40 percent of the problem, which several trustees called “insulting.”
“If we take their check, we still have a deficit, and now we also don’t have a pasture,” said board president Gus Treviño Sr., a fictional man. “That’s called losing twice. We teach math in this district. We would know.”
La Sienna Neighbors Support the Wait
Residents of La Sienna’s completed half praised the decision, noting that the adjacent 113.35 acres of nothing preserve the neighborhood’s most valuable amenity: the promise of something someday.
“I bought here because of the potential,” said one homeowner, gesturing at a mesquite. “If they build affordable housing there, my view becomes a fact instead of a dream. Facts hurt property values.”
The district confirmed the acreage has been professionally surveyed to the hundredth of an acre, because “the .35 matters when you’re negotiating from a position of no money.” Bids will be accepted until a nicer offer arrives, or until the district’s account balance is expressed entirely in commas and zeros to the left of the decimal, whichever comes first.
At press time, the board had voted 6-0 to also decline gravity, pending a better offer.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Why did Edinburg ISD reject $6 million?
A: Officials insist it was not the right $6 million. The right $6 million is expected to arrive any day now, possibly on horseback.
Q: What happens to the 113.35 acres meanwhile?
A: They will continue being acres, which the district describes as “appreciating at roughly the rate of our confidence.”
