SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
MCALEN — After a Friday-night crash on Nolana Avenue knocked out power to more than 1,400 customers between Ware Road and Jackson Avenue, AEP Texas proudly announced it had restored electricity to 1,365 of them by 10:25 p.m. — while deliberately leaving 35 households in the dark as living proof that the outage had, in fact, occurred.
“Any utility can restore everybody. That’s amateur hour,” said AEP spokesperson Delia Fuego, standing in front of the outage map like a museum docent. “The last 35 customers are our control group. Without them, how would anyone know a transformer on Nolana ever hiccuped? You’d just have 1,400 people claiming their nachos got cold, and honestly, who’s going to believe that without documentation?”
The remaining 35 customers — strategically scattered along the Ware-to-Jackson corridor so the outage map would still render a satisfying red blotch — were notified via letter they will not receive until Monday, since their porch lights don’t work.
The 3 A.M. Saturday Finish Line
Officials confirmed the final 35 will be restored by 3 a.m. Saturday, a time chosen because it is precisely when nobody is awake to witness the outage officially ending, thus preserving its mystery. “We call it the Cinderella Protocol,” said Fuego. “At 3 a.m., the map turns green, the evidence vanishes, and McAllen goes back to pretending Nolana is just a road and not also a demolition derby.”
McAllen police were not available for comment, which AEP described as “their standard contribution — silence pairs beautifully with our outages.”
Residents Honor the Sacrifice
Neighbors of the darkened 35 have begun leaving candles and approving nods at their curbs. “They’re heroes, honestly,” said one man on Jackson Avenue, whose own lights had just flickered back on. “Somebody’s gotta stay dark so the rest of us can be sure we weren’t all just hallucinating a Friday night in the Valley again.”
AEP says the 35 will each receive a commemorative refrigerator magnet reading “I Kept the Outage Real,” which they will be able to read by 3:01 a.m. Saturday.
FAQ
Q: Why keep 35 people without power?
A: Provenance. An outage without a remainder is just a rumor with good PR.
Q: Why 3 a.m. Saturday?
A: Maximum deniability, minimum witnesses. It’s restoration science.
