SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
MISSION — Organizers confirmed Wednesday that the mayoral candidate forum at Freedom Life Church was definitively not a debate, then deputized roughly 300 attendees to enforce that distinction by shouting “no attacking” at anyone whose tone drifted too far toward debate-adjacent behavior.
“A debate has rebuttals,” explained a spokesperson for the hosting coalition, holding up a laminated card defining what the evening was not. “Tonight, candidates will take turns listing things. If a listing sounds like it disagrees with another listing, the audience will yell. That’s not a rule. It’s just something that happens.”
The system worked as designed. When one candidate suggested the city was in its worst financial crisis ever, a man in row four stood and shouted “NO ATTAQUES,” and the candidate smoothly pivoted to noting that the actual worst crisis was 1984, when a Mission mayor reportedly had to ask a bank for money to cover operating expenses. City officials later clarified that the 1984 bank loan is not history but Mission’s official financial baseline, recalculated annually like a mortgage.
1974 Drainage Plan Asks for Status Update
Midway through, a candidate referenced the city’s 1974 drainage plan, which witnesses describe as “still warm.” The 52-year-old document was given 90 seconds to speak and reportedly used it to ask whether anyone had gotten around to the part about drainage.
Another candidate’s use of the word “compadrismo” triggered the loudest crowd response of the night, with attendees splitting into two chants — “here we go again” and “yeah, right” — before moderators confirmed that compadrismo had been banned from the premises along with attacking, debating, and asking follow-up questions.
Early Voting Begins Monday, Officially Not a Contest
With early voting starting Monday, officials stressed that the election is not a debate either, but rather a forum where 40,000 residents will individually list their preference and the listing with the most listings wins. A request for a “killer process” to track whether anything from the forum gets implemented was referred to Mission 311, which forwarded it to the 1974 drainage plan.
