SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
BROWNSVILLE — In what officials are calling the greatest act of selfless fiscal restraint in the city’s 111-year history, the Brownsville City Commission voted unanimously Monday to place a proposition on the Nov. 3 ballot raising the mayor’s salary from $40,000 to $62,500 and commissioners’ pay from $25,000 to $50,000 — with the tiny catch that the money only goes to whoever holds the jobs after the current commission is gone.
“We looked deep in our hearts and said, ‘Not us. Never us,'” said one at-large commissioner, dabbing a single tear with a laminated copy of the 1915 city charter. “This raise is for the next generation of leaders, a generation I sincerely hope includes me in two years, when nobody’s watching anymore. But that’s between me and God.”
The proposition, one of 15 charter amendments on the ballot, is being billed as a “good governance” measure, alongside provisions that would boot a commissioner for missing three straight meetings and create an ethics board so future officeholders “take this position seriously” — a position current officeholders insist they already take extremely seriously, just not $62,500 seriously.
Legal Wording Written to Be Confusing as an Act of Transparency
City officials confirmed the ballot language was deliberately kept dense and legally impenetrable, explaining that clear wording would have been misleading, whereas wording nobody can understand is honest.
“If voters could read it, they might get the wrong idea,” said a city legal source. “By making it unreadable, we ensure nobody is deceived except everyone equally.”
To help voters understand the 15 propositions, the commission also scheduled a comprehensive explainer town hall for Oct. 26 at the Brownsville Events Center — roughly one full week after early voting opens Oct. 19. Officials defended the timing, noting that explanations work best after decisions have already been made.
“You can’t explain something before people vote on it. That’s putting the cart before the horse,” the source said. “This way, voters leave the town hall fully informed about choices they made eight days earlier.”
The only amendment expected to take effect before the new salaries kick in is Proposition O, which deletes archaic language from the original 1915 charter, including a clause requiring the mayor to maintain a respectable horse.
Future Commission Reportedly Stunned by Generosity
The hypothetical future commissioners — who do not yet exist, which sources agree is the safest possible constituency to give money to — could not be reached for comment, as they are currently scattered across the RGV living their lives unaware they are about to inherit a 100 percent raise from people who could have just given it to themselves and didn’t.
“That’s the beauty of it,” the commissioner said. “The future commission can’t complain, can’t campaign against it, and most importantly, can’t thank us at the podium during public comment, which is limited to three minutes anyway.”
At press time, the commission had tabled a proposal to fix the city’s potholes on the grounds that those potholes would be much better appreciated by future drivers.
