SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
WESLACO — Flanked by a banner reading “EVERYTHING MUST STAY THE SAME,” city officials proudly unveiled a sweeping property-tax cut Wednesday that lowers the rate nearly two cents while collecting precisely the same amount of money as last year, a fiscal maneuver economists are calling “math.”
The new rate of .6678 per $100 valuation, down from .6867, represents what the city describes as “historic, technically,” because Weslaco residents will now pay a smaller number that adds up to the same total, like a restaurant introducing a smaller menu font.
Mayor Compares Cut To Grocery Store Sale With Unchanged Prices
At a press conference outside City Hall, an unnamed city leader explained the logic using a grocery-store analogy, telling residents to imagine a store lowering its prices so more people shop there, then clarifying that the price of the groceries themselves may not actually go down.
“It’s like when H-E-B puts a yellow sticker on something,” the official said. “The sticker is the point. Whether the number changed is between you and your receipt.”
The official confirmed the rate is a “no-new-revenue” calculation, meaning the city expects roughly the same take from properties already on the roll, with new properties politely asked to wait outside while the math is done.
Residents who rushed to calculate their savings discovered that on a $150,000 home, the cut saves approximately $28 a year, or one combination plate, before valuations quietly erase it like a McAllen pothole crew.
City Stresses Nothing Will Change, Which Is The Achievement
Officials emphasized that no services will be affected, that drainage remains covered by a certificate-of-obligation bond rather than the general fund, and that streets and drainage remain the focus, as they have since the land was ranchland.
The pitch for newcomers is simple: move to Weslaco, where the tax rate is lower, the bill is the same, and a Sam’s Club and library upgrades are coming, which somehow proves the two cents are working. “Business follows low rates,” the official said. “That’s why every Fortune 500 company is headquartered in unincorporated Hidalgo County.”
A commemorative plaque is planned for the .6678 rate, to be mounted next to last year’s plaque for the .6867 rate, which also collected the same money.
