SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
BROWNSVILLE — With the last two city-appointed seats on the Environmental and Conservation Task Force finally filled Tuesday, Brownsville commissioners took the unusual step of issuing a formal clarification that none of the nine members is a monkey, after a public comment comparing data center regulators to a monkey guarding bananas forced the city to verify the species of its entire volunteer panel.
The confusion began during the hearing on the 90-day data center moratorium, when a resident arguing that a SpaceX environmental engineer shouldn’t help write rules for an industry her employer’s owner also owns declared he “wouldn’t let a monkey regulate bananas or a mouse regulate the cheese,” then immediately clarified he was not comparing anyone to an animal, achieving the rare feat of making and unmaking a metaphor within a single breath.
City Scrambles to Confirm Human Status of All Nine Members
City staff spent the recess reviewing personnel files for the task force, which owes a preliminary report in December and a final one in March 2027 on what data centers would do to health, the environment, and business near the disannexed 444 acres. “We can confirm all appointees are Homo sapiens,” said a city spokesperson, flipping through a binder labeled NON-PRIMATE VERIFICATION. “The Public Utilities Board seat is still open, and we will be screening that candidate for opposable thumbs, tail length, and banana affiliation.”
At-Large Commissioner Nurith Golansky, who appointed UTRGV lecturer Justin Katusak, asked the room to give unfamiliar nominees a chance. “I know you don’t know him,” she said. “But I have personally watched him eat a plate of barbacoa with a fork, like a person. He’s one of us.”
District 1 Commissioner Bryan Martinez, who appointed a recovery coordinator from the South Texas Environmental Justice Network, defended his vetting. “I asked her point blank: monkey, mouse, or human? She said human. That’s the process working.”
Bananas Removed From Chambers Out of Abundance of Caution
By Wednesday, in advance of the 5 p.m. final hearing, City Hall had quietly removed all bananas from the commission dais and the vending machine, and a sign near the former Walmart — site of the data center application that started everything — now reads NO CHEESE BEYOND THIS POINT. The task force’s first official act will be a mandatory workshop titled “Metaphors and Their Consequences,” though several members have asked whether the facilitator owns a banana plantation, and whether that’s a conflict.
