SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
PROGRESO, TX — With a temporary restraining order officially clocking out Monday and thousands of Hidalgo County ballots already cruising through the mail like migratory birds, the city of Progreso has entered the final stretch of its November election, which legal scholars are now describing as ‘a lawsuit attempting to wrestle an envelope.’
The 13th Court of Appeals had paused an order that would have removed Mayor Hugo Gamboa, Norberto Rangel, and Commissioner Stephanie Alegria from the ballot — an ambitious goal, given that many of those ballots were already in voters’ hands, refrigerators, and, in at least one confirmed case, a Grandma’s Bible in La Feria.
The state had argued that yanking three names off the ballot mid-mailing would scramble Hidalgo County’s entire election apparatus, an apparatus held together by laminated signage and one county employee named Yolanda who has not taken a day off since the Obama administration.
Restraining Order Notified of Its Expiration Via Sticky Note
The restraining order, sources confirmed, expired quietly Monday without a hearing, which legal experts say is the judicial equivalent of a_quinceañera_ where the court of appeals shows up two hours late and eats the cake anyway.
‘We will keep campaigning either way,’ said a spokesperson for the challengers’ slate, standing in front of a billboard featuring three names that may or may not legally exist, depending on which envelope you opened this week. ‘Together for Progreso. And also, separately, against Progreso, in a courthouse in Edinburg.’
The original lawsuit, filed Sept. 2, asked the city clerk to reject the three candidates’ applications over claimed deficiencies — a strategy election watchers describe as ‘trying to recall a text message that has already been read by 40,000 people.’
County Ballot Printer Declines to Comment, Keeps Printing
Officials at the Hidalgo County Elections Department referred all questions to a printer in McAllen that reportedly laughed for eleven uninterrupted seconds before hanging up. The Attorney General’s office noted it had not received required notice before the crucial hearing, because the notice, much like the lawsuit’s chances, was still somewhere in transit.
At press time, the Progreso ballot had been declared legally frozen in amber, with voters urged to fill it out quickly before another court order arrives and tries to eat it.
