SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — Flanked by eight campuses that earned A’s and 16 that earned B’s, Harlingen CISD officials gathered Tuesday in front of a giant styrofoam letter B to celebrate the district’s score climbing from 86 to 87, an achievement that changed absolutely nothing about the letter itself. The B, sources confirmed, stood exactly where it stood last year, and district leaders credited “unwavering belief” for the letter’s decision to stay.
“One point. We gained one point,” said district spokesperson Dina Ruiz, gesturing at the numeral 87 projected on a jumbotron behind Harlingen School of Health Professions. “People said a B couldn’t stay a B. People said, ‘That letter’s going somewhere.’ Well, it didn’t. It stayed. That’s not luck. That’s countless hours of the letter believing in itself.”
The ceremony included a moment of silence for the point that made the journey — described by officials as “a brave little point” — followed by a mariachi rendition of “Unchanged,” an original composition about numerical stability. The point itself was invited to give remarks but declined, citing that it is a point.
“We Almost Got an 88, Which Would Have Also Been a B”
Officials acknowledged the district flirted with an 88 before deciding that would be “showboating.” Lamar Elementary, the district’s lone C, was reportedly not invited to the ceremony but sent a card congratulating the letter on its continued employment.
“The Postsecondary Readiness Distinction is nice, but the real honor is watching that B not go anywhere,” Ruiz said. “In this economy, a letter keeping its job? In this economy? That’s the Valley success story.”
Plans are already underway for next year’s ceremony, tentatively titled “87 to 88: The B Stays in the Picture,” pending approval from the Texas Education Agency, which confirmed the B is legally permitted to remain a B through at least 2027.
Letter B Honored With Distinction For Staying Put
At press time, the styrofoam B had been mounted outside the administration building next to a plaque reading “2025–2026: Same Letter, New Point, Unwavering.” The point was reportedly last seen near Dishman Elementary, resting.
