SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
EDINBURG — The Rio Grande Valley’s comprehensive response to the New World screwworm, a parasitic fly that eats living flesh, officially entered its second phase Thursday: a 6 p.m. seminar in the UTRGV Edinburg campus library auditorium, accessible to any resident who successfully completed the university’s online parking permit registration form at least 48 hours in advance.
The timing is considered flawless, since the Valley’s only confirmed screwworm case — a calf north of Roma — was cleared weeks ago, and the two remaining active Texas cases are both in West Texas, a region that Edinburg officials confirmed is “frankly not our auditorium’s problem.”
“The fly is not here, the calf is fine, and that is exactly why we scheduled the briefing,” said Dr. Halcyon Brubaker, director of UTRGV’s Center for Vector-Borne Diseases. “You can’t over-prepare for something that already left. That’s just science.”
Registration Form Described as First Line of Defense
Officials emphasized that the online parking registration form, which requires guests to create a university ID, verify an email, select a lot, print a temporary permit, and tape it to the windshield with the correct side facing out, is itself a form of vector surveillance.
“A resident who can navigate our parking portal can navigate anything, including a flesh-eating fly,” Brubaker said. “Honestly, the screwworm would give up at the ‘select your vehicle color from the dropdown’ screen. We’ve tested this in simulations.”
Several attendees reported circling Lot H for 40 minutes before entering the auditorium, where they learned that the historical eradication of the screwworm was achieved by releasing billions of sterile flies, a strategy one audience member suggested be adapted for UTRGV Parking Services.
Research Will Focus on Where the Fly Isn’t
The university announced plans to study screwworm habitat use across the Valley, beginning with a detailed survey of everywhere the fly has not been found. “Surveillance is about absence,” said vector ecologist Dr. Lorna Pizana. “We will monitor the nothing with tremendous rigor.”
City leaders praised the seminar as decisive. “Other cities might panic. Edinburg fills out a form and gets a sticker,” said one council member, holding a laminated map of visitor lots. “That fly took one look at our parking logistics and chose West Texas.”
FAQ:
Q: What if I show up without registering for parking?
A: You may attend the seminar after paying the $75 citation, which funds important research into why nobody registers for parking.
Q: Is the screwworm currently in the Valley?
A: No, and the university intends to keep briefing residents about that fact quarterly, pending lot availability.
