SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — Flanked by excavators, drones, and a ceremonial shovel the size of a low-rider, Fluidstack officially began construction Tuesday on the first phase of its $4 billion data center campus east of Valley International Airport — a 1,100-acre project so far along that servers are already whispering to each other in binary.
Meanwhile, four miles away at Harlingen City Hall, commissioners voted 5-0 to table a proposal confirming whether water falling from the sky over the 78550 zip code is, legally speaking, water. The item will be revisited at a town hall, a workshop, a retreat, and possibly a segundo to make sure.
Because the campus sits on county land near Rio Hondo, Harlingen cannot stop the project. The city does, however, control the drainage canal Fluidstack wants to discharge stormwater into, giving commissioners their only remaining power on Earth: deciding whether Harlingen’s rain may enter Harlingen’s canal.
Rain Awaits Zoning Verification
“Look, we’re not anti-rain,” said Commissioner-at-Large Placeholder McDrainage, gesturing at a laminated diagram of a cloud. “But before a single drop of stormwater touches our canal, we need three public comment sessions, a drainage study, and a notarized letter from the cloud itself. This is about process. And also about being able to say we have a process.”
Residents packed the chamber, split between those worried about drainage capacity and those worried the data center would use up all the water, a concern commissioners eased by noting Fluidstack uses “extremely low water” and is paying for its own infrastructure, which is more than anyone can say for the rain, which has never once paid a drainage fee.
“The rain skipped every single public meeting,” said one resident. “Not one comment card. Now it wants to use OUR canal? Que fresco.”
County Land Moves at Light Speed; City Rain Stuck in Line H at the H-E-B
Cameron County officials celebrated the 2,500 construction jobs, noting that things move fast outside city limits. “Out here, we have groundbreaking, then buildings,” said a county spokesperson, pouring concrete mid-interview. “In town, they have a groundbreaking, then a quorum check, then a reschedule, then Fiesta, then another quorum check.”
Fluidstack officials say they remain patient. “We respect Harlingen’s process,” a company spokesperson said from atop a half-built server hall. “We’ve built data centers in eleven states and Harlingen is the first place where the clouds need a variance. We’ve assigned 40,000 GPUs to model the town hall. Current ETA: the rain will be approved sometime after the second coming of buford base.”
At press time, a scattered shower had formed over Los Fresnos and was reportedly waiting on an interlocal agreement before drifting toward the canal.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Can Harlingen stop the data center?
A: No. It’s on county land. But it CAN stop the rain, which experts agree is basically the same thing.
Q: When is the town hall?
A: Pending approval of a town hall to approve the scheduling of the town hall.
