SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — In what officials are describing as a bold leap into uncharted territory, Harlingen CISD quietly approved a 3.17-cent property tax increase this week, marking the first rate hike in years and, more remarkably, the first time anyone in the district has seriously proposed that classrooms should not contain standing water.
The one-year “disaster penny” surcharge, authorized under a state provision that sounds like something a vending machine would dispense, is expected to raise roughly $3 million to repair buildings damaged in the March 2025 flood — damage that until now had been addressed primarily through the district’s previous strategy of waiting.
“For years, we’ve proudly lowered the tax rate,” said a district spokesperson, standing ankle-deep in what used to be a chemistry lab. “But we’ve come to realize that a race to the bottom has an actual bottom, and it is currently soaked. This modest increase will allow us to explore cutting-edge pedagogical frontiers, such as students having desks that are not floating.”
The district framed the increase as temporary, one-time, and definitely-not-going-to-be-extended, a phrase that local historians note has preceded every permanent tax in Texas history.
Residents had mixed reactions. “Three cents so kids can learn indoors? Seems steep,” said one homeowner. “When I was a kid, we just absorbed the water into our notebooks like God intended.”
District officials stress that after the repairs are complete, the rate will return to its previous level, at which point they will resume the time-honored tradition of reducing taxes until the next disaster, and then rediscovering, with genuine surprise, that rain exists in the Rio Grande Valley.
At press time, the district was also reportedly studying a proposal to investigate whether roofs, a relatively new technology, might have applications in Harlingen.
