SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
PORT ISABEL, TX — In what city officials are calling a “major quality-of-life upgrade,” the Port Isabel Board of Commissioners voted Wednesday to designate Long Island Village as an official industrial district, finally allowing its full-time residents to enjoy the convenience of living at work. The resolution took effect immediately, with a second reading of the confirming ordinance scheduled for Thursday — a 24-hour window officials described as “plenty of time for input” from residents who are now technically heavy machinery.
“For years, the people of Long Island Village have suffered through brutal commutes of up to 40 feet from their bedrooms to their kitchens,” said Commissioner Dale Brickner, gesturing at a PowerPoint slide reading “COMMUTE: SOLVED.” “With this designation, every resident wakes up already on the clock. That’s efficiency you can’t put a price on, though we did, and it’s billed quarterly.”
Residents Will Now Pay Hotel Taxes On Homes That Are Legally A Warehouse
The city confirmed the industrial designation will not interrupt its ongoing lawsuit against the village over disputed hotel occupancy taxes, a strategy officials praised as “innovative revenue stacking.” “You live in an industrial district, but you live in it like a hotel guest, so really you’re paying both,” explained city attorney Marv Kettleman. “We prefer the term ‘synergy.'”
Long Island Village, which sits on what used to be an island before it decided to stop being one, has housed actual human families for decades — a fact commissioners acknowledged while also noting that “tractors need somewhere to live too.” At press time, the city had mailed residents new occupational materials, including hard hats in sizes “small human” and “medium forklift,” and a brochure titled “So Your Living Room Is Now A Loading Dock.”
“I moved here for the quiet fishing-village life,” said resident Carol Beaumont, 67. “Now my porch is zoned for petrochemical storage, and my cat has been classified as a piece of mobile equipment. He actually seems into it.”
Officials say benefits of living at work include never being late, being able to claim your recliner as a business expense, and a brand-new city slogan: “Port Isabel: Clock In Forever.” When one resident asked what happens if she simply wants to retire, commissioners conferred for several minutes before responding that retirement would now be reclassified as “deferred maintenance.”
Second Reading Scheduled For Thursday, Or Whenever The Forklifts Arrive
The confirming ordinance’s second reading is set for Thursday, which officials emphasized leaves ample time for public comment, provided comments are submitted on a pallet and stacked no more than four feet high. “We heard the residents loud and clear,” Brickner said over the sound of surveyors measuring his constituent’s azalea bushes for a possible grain silo. “Loud, clear, and legally binding as an ambient noise complaint within an industrial zone, which we can now ignore.”
