SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
MISSION, TX — Citing the Valley’s scarcest natural resource, the 22 minutes between calling 911 and anything whatsoever happening, the city of Mission unveiled a self-checkout heart restart station at Lions Park on Friday, allowing residents to jump-start their own cardiovascular emergencies without waiting in the traditional EMS line.
“Time is of the essence, but so is convenience,” said Mission Lions Club president Yolanda Peña, cutting a ribbon on the green cabinet with oversized novelty scissors. “If your heart quits at second base, you shouldn’t be standing around hoping a professional shows up. Just mosey over to the kiosk, follow the prompts, and you’re back in the bleachers by the bottom of the third.”
Please Place Your Heart in the Bagging Area
The station, stocked with an AED and Narcan, greets each customer with a cheerful chime and a warm recorded voice: “Welcome! Please select your emergency: cardiac, opioid, or general Tuesday.” It then coaches users through their own restart, pausing occasionally to announce “unexpected item in the resuscitation area” and “assistance has been notified and is currently 22 minutes out.” The kiosk accepts no payment, though it does ask if you’d like to leave a tip.
City Seeking Grant To Franchise Six More Locations
City officials are already pursuing grant funding to install at least six additional cabinets at other parks and city buildings, a rollout Emergency Convenience Coordinator J.V. Villarreal described as “basically a drive-thru, but for your aorta.” “Our goal is that no Mission resident is ever more than a two-minute stagger from their own restart,” Villarreal said, noting the city will also offer free Thursday-night training, “Defibrillating Between Innings,” at the community center, certificate suitable for framing included. Early adopters receive a punch card; the tenth restart is free.
“I went down in the second inning and was coaching again by the fifth,” said Little League coach Chacho Ramírez, 51, the kiosk’s beta tester. “My wife didn’t even notice I’d left. Ten out of ten, would flatline again.”
As of press time, the kiosk’s only complaint had come from a Winter Texan asking whether restarts qualify for the senior early-bird discount.
