SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
MCALLEN — In a stunning geopolitical development that surprised absolutely no one who has ever tried to buy a brisket on a Sunday morning, the parking lot of the H-E-B on N. 10th Street in McAllen was officially recognized as an independent, sovereign nation by the United Nations early Tuesday morning.
The newly formed Republic of Parkestan, as it is known to locals, reportedly met all criteria for statehood after diplomats observed the chaotic, lawless, and entirely self-governing ecosystem that exists between the shopping cart corrals and the curbside pickup zone.
“We realized this territory operates under its own set of rules,” said UN Ambassador fictional diplomat Michelle Diaz. “There are entirely different traffic laws here. Pedestrians boldly step into moving traffic like immortal beings, and vehicles yield only to the great Curbside Pickup Gods. It is a functioning anarchy.”
The secession reportedly happened organically over the weekend when a massive traffic jam caused by a rogue pallet of H-E-Buddy cookies locked down the area, isolating the shoppers from the rest of Texas.
The New Government
According to completely fabricated sources, the new government is a meritocracy based entirely on who can successfully parallel park a Ford F-250 in a compact space. The newly elected Prime Minister is a local man who simply goes by “Flaco,” reportedly won the title after successfully navigating the entrance without hitting the concrete pillars while blasting Intocable.
“It’s a beautiful thing,” said Flaco, adjusting his sunglasses from the driver’s seat. “Out here, we don’t need McAllen PD. We have the Shopping Cart Vigilantes. If you leave your cart behind a stranger’s truck, you get exiled to the parking lot of the Walmart across the highway. We don’t mess around.”
The economy of Parkestan is reportedly backed entirely by a gold standard of forgotten reusable bags and loose pennies found near the Redbox machine.
International Relations
The transition has not been entirely peaceful. Skirmishes broke out early Wednesday morning at the border of Parkestan (the exit near the Sonic) when a faction of aggressive snowbirds attempted to annex the prime handicap spots. The conflict was resolved when Prime Minister Flaco deployed a fleet of rogue baggers to offer them free samples of guacamole, distracting them long enough to establish a DMZ (Demilitarized Guac Zone).
FAQ
- Q: Is the H-E-B parking lot really its own country?
- A: No, this is 100% satire. You still have to pay Texas property taxes.
- Q: Who is Michelle Diaz?
- A: She is a completely fictional desk mascot we use to deliver jokes so real people don’t get sued.
