SATIRE: SAN BENITO — In what experts are calling the most ambitious grassroots movement since someone suggested adding a second stop sign on Sam Houston Boulevard, 12-year-old Maria Hernandez has organized her peers to demand the immediate replacement of the San Benito Public Library with a shared community Netflix account.
Youth Activist Questions Why Books Cannot Simply Be Streamed
Hernandez, a seventh grader who reportedly visited the library once in 2023, described the facility as “a large room full of objects that cannot be scrolled past.” Her fundraising efforts, which include a lemonade stand and a GoFundMe titled “Books Are Just Slow Movies,” have reportedly confused at least three city council members into accidental support.
“I just feel like the library would be way better if it had a search bar and remembered where I left off,” Hernandez stated while adjusting her AirPods Max headphones. “Also, the books here don’t even have ratings. How am I supposed to know if a chapter is worth my time without a 4.7-star average?”
Local resident and fictional library advocate Gerald Pineapple, 67, expressed mild concern. “I tried to explain that libraries offer free internet access, and she just laughed and said her hotspot is literally faster than my walking pace,” Pineapple told reporters from the periodicals section, which he insisted was not ironic.
City Officials Form Exploratory Committee to Determine What a Book Is
San Benito City Manager Ricardo Imaginarylastname confirmed that a special task force has been assembled at the Ghost Desk in City Hall to investigate whether books are technically considered content.
“We are committed to hearing all voices, especially those of our youth, who clearly understand technology better than we understand our own email passwords,” he said, adjusting his reading glasses, which he obtained from a library lost and found bin in 2011.
The movement has gained traction among Hernandez’s classmates, many of whom were unavailable for comment due to being deeply engaged in Roblox. However, one anonymous student provided a written statement that simply read: “Library sounds like a place my grandma goes. No offense to libraries or my grandma, who is nice and also smells like peppermint.”
As of press time, Hernandez’s bake sale had raised $14.50, which she plans to use toward a one-month premium subscription, provided the community can agree on a password that does not involve a pet’s name.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Will the library actually be replaced by a streaming service?
A: Absolutely not, but the city is reportedly considering adding a small TV to the lobby to show a loop of Maria’s presentation slides as a compromise.
Q: How can residents support the real San Benito Public Library?
A: By visiting it, checking out materials, and pretending they always knew it was there, which is the traditional RGV method of supporting public institutions.
