SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
EDINBURG — With a national anthem, a flyover of zero planes, and a ceremonial shovel of gravel relocated six inches to the left, Edinburg on Monday officially reopened 5×5 Brewing Co.’s new home at 517 West McIntyre Street — an 8,000-square-foot taproom, kitchen, and outdoor concert venue that is, at press time, gravel.
Officials cut a ribbon stretched between two traffic cones to unveil a large rendering of the brewery, which will feature a bigger production floor and more than 10 beers on tap once it is financed, designed, constructed, and then actually built. Construction is expected to begin in December 2026, with doors opening in fall 2027 — a timeline officials praised as “aggressive” for a building that currently exists only in landscape orientation.
“This is the college-town anchor Edinburg has been missing,” said a city spokesperson, gesturing at a rectangle of caliche within walking distance of UTRGV. “A student can literally walk here, graduate, move to Austin, get homesick, and come back for opening day.”
Six-Year Courtship Culminates In Picture Of Building
The reopening ends a courtship of roughly six years, during which the city reportedly sent the brewery holiday cards, a foil pan of brisket, and at least one voicemail described by aides as “emotionally available.” Under the deal, the Edinburg EDC will invest $1.7 million of the $2.5 million project — a decision officials defended as fiscally shrewd, given that the brewery’s last taproom closed after the company announced it could no longer operate as a sustainable business.
“That’s precisely the track record we look for,” said the EDC’s director of premature celebrations. “You don’t hand $1.7 million to someone who’s never tried. You hand it to someone who tried, stopped, and then agreed to stand next to a rendering.”
The brewery, which calls itself the largest craft brewery in Hidalgo County, has continued brewing at an undisclosed location — a fact officials described as “mysterious” and “a fantastic icebreaker at the ribbon-cutting.”
Twenty Jobs Announced At Lot That Employs Nobody
The project is expected to create 20 primary jobs, all of which are currently gravel. A Vaquero-branded beer for UTRGV was also announced, though staff confirmed no beer can legally be poured at 517 West McIntyre until freshmen currently living in the dorms have walked across a stage somewhere else entirely.
At press time, the city had scheduled a groundbreaking ceremony for the groundbreaking ceremony, to be held on the gravel, weather and gravel permitting.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can I visit the brewery today?
Yes. The site is open 24 hours a day as a fully operational gravel lot. Bring your own rendering.
When will beer actually be served?
Fall 2027. Current UTRGV freshmen are encouraged to RSVP from whichever city their first job is in.
