SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
MISSION — In what officials are calling a bold, decisive response to declining enrollment, Mission CISD announced this week a rigorous three-phase calendar to confirm that the 1,635 students who already left have, in fact, already left. The district will present a preliminary report in November, refine its options in December, and deliver a formal recommendation in January certifying that the desks are empty now and have been for a while.
“We didn’t want to rush to conclusions,” said Assistant Superintendent of Enrollment Verification Dolores Peña, standing in a hallway at Mission High built for 14,503 students and currently echoing like the La Lomita chapel. “Anyone could look around and guess 1,635 kids are gone. But guessing isn’t governance. By January, we’ll have it in a binder.”
District Maintains Full Staffing to Supervise the Absence
While enrollment fell 11 percent, the district’s workforce only eased from 2,264 full-time employees to 2,118 — a ratio administrators defended as necessary to properly oversee the vacancy. “Those empty desks don’t just sit there by themselves,” said人力资源 liaison Kent Whitley. “Someone has to supervise them. Absence is a full-time job now. We may need more staff.”
Officials acknowledged the 2026-27 budget spends a little over $200 million against $187.8 million in revenue, with payroll making up 80 percent of expenses, but stressed that the gap is merely the district living the lifestyle it became accustomed to in 2022.
“It’s like when your tío keeps the ranch in Sharyland after everyone moved out,” said one board member, paraphrasing the lifestyle metaphor now framed in the boardroom. “You don’t downsize the ranch in November. You downsize it after a December refinement and a January recommendation. That’s fiscal responsibility.”
Timeline Defended as ‘Aggressive’
The unassigned fund balance, which slid from $81.3 million in 2023 to $60.3 million, was described by officials as “still technically money.” Asked why the district couldn’t simply count the students in October, Superintendent-designate review coordinator Ray Buentello pointed at a laminated flowchart. “You see this arrow? It goes to January. You want me to move the arrow? The arrow is laminated.”
The district has also projected enrollment of 11,796 by 2031-32, which it plans to begin confirming in the spring of 2033.
At press time, the district had scheduled a follow-up February workshop to determine who will be responsible for reading the January recommendation.
FAQ
Q: Why does it take three months to confirm students already left?
A: The first month is for noticing, the second for refining the noticing, and the third for officially announcing what everyone noticed.
Q: Will the 2,118 remaining employees be affected?
A: Affected? They’re the ones supervising the emptiness. The district is considering a small stipend.
