SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
McAllen city leaders confirmed Thursday that, after months of negotiation with geography, the South Pole has been formally renamed Wild Bright, clearing the way for an 80-foot sheet of real ice to continue standing in a convention center parking lot where it was 91 degrees at press time.
“The South Pole had a good run, but it wasn’t pulling its weight,” said a city official standing beside a model of the 100-foot digital Christmas tree, billed as the tallest digital tree in America and the second-coldest thing at the festival after the ice. “Wild Bright is a stronger brand. It tested well with people who have never needed a coat.”
The rebrand ensures the South Pole Illuminated Festival, opening Nov. 27 at the McAllen Convention Center, may continue calling itself the South Pole of Texas while technically being Wild Bright of Texas, a distinction officials described as “legally airtight and emotionally available.”
Ice Rink Relieved It No Longer Has to Explain Itself
The 80-foot real-ice rink, which has spent multiple winters resisting the Rio Grande Valley’s efforts to turn it back into soup, reportedly wept a single frozen tear upon hearing the news.
“For years people asked, ‘Why is there ice here?'” the rink said through a spokesperson. “Now they’ll ask, ‘Why is there Wild Bright here?’ and honestly that’s a question I can live with.”
Officials also announced the Metro McAllen South Pole Express will return as the Wild Bright South Pole Express, a train that does not leave McAllen, does not go south, and does not pole, but does circle past the wildlife lanterns roughly every eleven minutes, which is more than most trains can say.
Free Until 7 P.M., Then the Fireworks Cost What the Ice Costs
Admission remains free before 7 p.m., at which point guests are invited to pay for the privilege of watching fireworks explode above a Zamboni’s life work. Santa and the Grinch will again share Santa’s South Pole Castle, a cohabitation arrangement both parties describe as “going great” in completely different tones of voice.
A local bank will once again sponsor free admission for kids 12 and under on Wednesdays and Thursdays, because children, like the ice, are the only ones who can survive the climate honestly.
At press time, cartographers had begun quietly updating maps of Antarctica, which will now read “Formerly South Pole (See: McAllen, Texas).”
