SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
BROWNSVILLE — The city’s new scrap tire ordinance officially took effect Thursday, and already more than 400 tires have registered for identification numbers, filled out residency verification forms, and been placed on a waiting list to legally enter a resaca. City officials stressed that no tire will be allowed to float in a Brownsville resaca until its paperwork clears, a process currently estimated at six to nine business months.
“Look, we’re not anti-tire,” said Ordinance Enforcement Supervisor Pete Rodriguez, holding a clipboard next to a Town Resaca where seventeen tires bobbed in legal limbo. “We’re pro-process. That tire right there? No ID number. It’s getting a citation. Or a warning. Or possibly a judge looks at it. Depends if it’s one tire or a hundred tires. We don’t make those distinctions in advance. That would be guessing, and this office does not guess.”
Tires Reportedly ‘Cooperating Fully’
The ordinance requires tire shops to store scrap tires so they don’t hold standing water, which the tires have described as “deeply personal.” Several tires interviewed at a vacant lot near Palm Boulevard confirmed they had begun the licensing process but were stuck on Question 11, which asks the tire to explain, in its own words, why it should be allowed to remain in an alley.
“I’ve been in this alley since 2019,” said one tire who asked to be identified by its temporary case number, Tire-0447-BROW. “Now I need an annual license? Annual? I don’t even have a calendar. I’m a tire.”
Health director Art Rodriguez defended the program, citing the time a mosquito at a local tire shop single-handedly founded the Valley’s Zika era. “That mosquito did not have a permit,” he said. “We cannot let history repeat. Every mosquito in this city will now trace its blood meal back to a licensed, numbered, properly stacked tire. That’s not bureaucracy. That’s epidemiology.”
Resaca Operating at Full Capacity of Holding
The resaca itself has been asked to serve as a temporary detention facility, a request it has honored for roughly two decades already, officials noted with pride. Republic Services confirmed it would continue accepting cut-up tires, though only if each piece carries a photocopy of the original tire’s ID number and a notarized apology.
At press time, a municipal judge was reviewing the case of a single unlicensed tire found in a vacant lot, with a ruling expected sometime before the tire becomes a mosquito habitat, but no promises.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: My tire has been in the resaca for years. Is it grandfathered in?
A: No tire is above the law. However, long-submerged tires may apply for retroactive amnesty by filling out Form T-100, available at the bottom of the resaca.
Q: What happens if a tire is caught floating without paperwork?
A: It depends entirely on whether a judge determines it is one tire or a hundred tires, a threshold the city has declined to define so that judges may grow as people.
