SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
BROWNSVILLE — Citing heavy call volume and a fully booked Monday, the National Weather Service confirmed early this week that remnants of Hurricane Polo have been assigned a Thursday, Oct. 1 appointment to deliver rain to the Rio Grande Valley, and that until the slot opens, all residents must remain in the 115-degree heat-index waiting room with the lights off and the ceiling fans running on hopes and prayers.
“Your rain is very important to us,” said a pretend NWS scheduler, fanning himself with a doppler printout. “Polo’s leftovers are currently in processing. Please do not attempt to retrieve rain from Brooks, Jim Hogg, Starr, or Zapata counties yourself, as the 62-to-71-percent odds of two-plus inches have been routed to the ranchlands, where they will be distributed to cattle first.”
Under the advisory, the Cameron County coast may take a number (35 percent chance of up to two inches), while inland areas hold a 10 percent golden ticket for as much as six inches — an amount Harlingen residents described as “a myth our abuelas told us.” Harlingen, currently finishing the driest summer on record at just over a tenth of an inch, has been asked to let that single tenth represent the entire season until Oct. 1, when a supervisor becomes available.
McAllen Man Marks Day 66 of Holding, Rewatches Same Three-Quarter-Inch Brownsville Rain on Loop
In McAllen, where Sunday marked 66 consecutive days at or above 100 degrees and 97 triple-digit days this year, locals passed the wait by reminiscing about the rain they saw once, briefly, through a window, in Brownsville, in September.
“My cousin in Weslaco got a quarter-inch and he hasn’t shut up about it,” said a fabricated Edinburg man, sweat pooling in his flip-flops. “That’s a rich man now. He’s Valley rain wealth.”
The Weather Service asked residents not to feed the dry ranchlands, not to taunt the sea-breeze ghost that occasionally forms near South Padre, and to keep their vaca fantasmas leashed until flash-flood odds depend on slow-moving or training storms, whichever line moves first.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Can I reschedule my rain for sooner?
A: No. The rain’s Thursday slot is protected by a weak cold front, which moves at the speed of a Hidalgo County permit.
Q: What if the rain no-shows?
A: You may request a courtesy tenth of an inch, Harlingen-style, redeemable never.
